TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

We're surgin' baby!

Yesterday was cycle day 14 for me and I got a call from my wonderful RE nurse. She's honestly one of the sweetest people I've spoken to at my RE's office, I almost feel guilty for wanting to prove her wrong last month.

She called to tell me that my blood and ultrasounds results show that I'm a 'walking sign of fertility'... wish I had a baby in my womb to prove that.

In any case, I clearly had an LH surge and she expects me to ovulate either yesterday or today and so I should 'get busy'. By yesterday evening, I had ovulation pains that I get every month and just like the nurse said, the pain was on my left side.

I know I said that TTC is stressing me out and that I would take this month off, but after my nurses' call, how could I? I got so tempted just to try this month especially since it's the first month of cycle monitoring and all my test results sound so encouraging.

For the first time in a very long time since we started TTC, BF and I had an 'awesome time' ;) It was like our pre-TTC days.

To be honest, we weren't able to BD much during the fertile window, so ovulation day is really all we were able to get in this week. I've heard most say that it's best to BD the days leading up to ovulation day, so I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month. I'm just glad we made an attempt.

My RE doesn't seem to be concerned, but I find it odd that for the last few months, I'm ovulating all over the place. This month, I'm ovulating on CD14, last month it was CD18, the month before CD12. As a result, I'm having anywhere from 27 - 34 day cycles.

My RE says I'm still within the normal range, but I'm only concerned because until about the last 4 months, I had a regular 29 day cycle and all of a sudden, my cycles went all over the place (for me).

In any case, I'm now starting my 2WW. Since I've never been a patient person, this is the most stressful part for me because I'm listening to my body the whole time waiting to see if I feel anything. Of course by 13 DPO, I've convinced myself that I have all the early pregnancy symptoms and the red tide of disappointment comes the very next day to prove otherwise.

I'm going to try not to obsess this month and focus on other things... we'll see if I make it

When babies just appear in your womb

I found myself standing behind a pregnant woman while grabbing a cup of coffee before work this morning. She looked she was almost due and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her.

I never understood why people would refer to a pregnant woman's glow until I started TTC and started to pay attention to pregnant woman.

She was having a conversation on her phone and being so close, I had to listen... not because I was nosey or anything :)

"I feel like this baby is invading my body and I can't wait for it to come out, I feel like a damn baby machine", she said as she sighed.

Since slapping a pregnant woman isn't the best thing to do, I wanted to yell at her.

This is the kind of shit women say when they can easily get pregnant. Babies just appear in their wombs without trying. I pray for the day that I can feel that a baby is invading my body.

How I'd love to be a baby machine.

At the beginning of my TTC journey, I was excited. These days, I'm finding that TTC makes me resentful of anyone who has ever become pregnant without trying and then bitches about it.

Tasteful Facebook announcements

A few years ago, an ex-co-worker turned friend announced her pregnancy on facebook.

She didn't announce it like this one did, her's was very tasteful. In fact, she didn't quite announce it, she just posted a picture of her 9-month-pregnant self on vacation with her husband.

Her Facebook buddies, including myself, had no clue she was pregnant and she got more comments on her huge baby bump rather than the scenic vacation picture.

I sent her a message telling her how happy I was for them. Since I was completely ignorant to the TTC world and the insensitive Facebook announcements at that time, I asked her why she didn't announce her pregnancy sooner.

She replied by telling me that although she doesn't know anybody struggling with infertility, she assumed that some people simply don't share their struggles and she didn't want to hurt anyone with her pregnancy announcement. She waited until the last minute to simply post a picture with no comment about her pregnancy.

At the time, I didn't understand the depth of her thoughtfulness especially since she did it without even knowing anyone's IF struggle.

Today she posted a picture of herself , 9 months pregnant with her second baby. She didn't mention anything about her pregnancy, she simply mentioned how much she loved her husband and daughter (who were in the picture with her).

I loved it.

For the first time since I started TTC, I was happy to see that kind of Facebook announcement and understood the thoughtfulness behind it.

TTC is totally killing sexy time

TTC has put a strain on our relationship.

Although BF and I have been trying for a year, he's not concerned. At least, he doesn't seem to be concerned. I had originally decided to keep my RE rendez-vous a secret, but decided to tell him about them last week. He was fine with it and didn't say much... he's a quiet man.

I read a lot of TTC or IF blogs, but rarely do they talk about the strain in puts on their relationship... at least I haven't read them.

TTC has totally affected our relationships. The days of rabbit sex are a very distant, distant memory. In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to TTC. I try not to share too much with him in terms of when I'm ovulating, but he's not stupid. He knows that I act like an animal in heat when I'm ovulating and he insists on letting it 'happen naturally'.

I want to yell, "dude, we have to do it now or wait another 4 weeks!!". But you can't say that kind of thing without pressure the hell out of a guy... to the point of 'performance anxiety'.

We're at a point where our sex life is stressful.

We don't find it exciting or fun. It's become a job. The connection we once had seems to be diminishing. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm doing all the work and we're arguing about it. The last thing you want to do is have sex when you're arguing -  it's a cycle.

This is really a shitty situation.

As much as I want to TTC, I'm wondering if we should take a break. I know it's counter productive considering that it's my first cycle monitoring with an RE and this would be the optimal time to month. But honestly, the last few months, I know when I was ovulating and we timed sexy time perfectly and I still ended up 'enjoying' AF's visit.

So maybe we just need to take a break.

Honestly, it's becoming a real strain. My great initiative and enthusiasm is fine and well in the workplace, but it doesn't quite translate in the bedroom when all your partner wants to do is take a nap.

I'm thinking maybe if I initiate less, he'll initiate more and if a lose a month in this TTC saga, maybe it's worth it.

After all these months of failed cycles, maybe one more isn't a big deal if it will get our relationship back on track.