Infertility ruins relationships ...well it's ruining mine

I've read quite a few blogs where couples have to deal with infertility and I'm always envious. I'm envious of their mood. Nobody really talks about how angry they are and  how much infertility causes issues in their relationships... at least not the ones I'm reading.

The last few weeks in our household have been one word - horrible.

Although my BF seemed to have handled it relatively well when we were given the news of male factor infertility, that was short lived. I understood and was fully supportive of what was to come. Call me naive, but I never anticipated what actually happened.

He got angry (expected) - at ME (not expected)!

My acceptance of our situation actually angered him. I never look at infertility as one person's issue, in a relationship, both people manage that. It is both of their issues. He doesn't look at it this way, he looks at it as only his problem. Despite the fact that I've been supportive and understanding, he only sees it as his issue.

He's suggested I go and find someone who'll be able to have children with me. I always respond with, "I have". I don't want him for a second to think that there are no other options. Although he seemed to be on the IVF option in the beginning, he doesn't seem to be interested these days.

I made an appointment with another RE thinking that perhaps if we start fresh with this one, he may will feel more of a connection with this doctor. I made the appointment and then he informed that I would be going alone. If I cancelled it, I would have to wait months and months to get a new appointment, so I had no choice but to go all by myself.

I felt like an idiot answering my BF health questions  when he was watching TV at home. I felt horrible going through the whole deal of getting wanded, a rushed pap smear that hurt like hell because the doctor was rushing and half of my blood drawn yet again and coming home not to be asked at all how it went.

After that day, I decided that I'd put the fertility treatments on hold until he's is ready. I don't want to push him. Sadly, he hasn't mentioned a single thing all these weeks. It's like we're not even going through this. I suggested taking vitamins, he shot be down angrily. The very fact that I even brought that up angered him.

So now I wait.

I feel guilty, as though I've done something wrong.

I remember a friend of mine who found out that she had infertility issues tell me that at first she was angry at her husband for being perfectly fertile. She said it passed. I don't know what we're going through exactly, but it's obvious that whatever it is, my BF is set on keeping me at arms length. The only thing I can do is push my feelings to the back burner and try to be as supportive as possible despite how hurtful he is.

To make matter worse, guess what AF did ?

For the first time ever, she is late. I'm not talking a day or two, she's 9 days late.

After getting my usual BFN at home at 5 days late, I got a blood test today at 9 days late and got an expected BFN with that as well. My doctor thinks I'm just stressed.

Thanks for making things extra fun AF! You always know how to kick my ass at the right time.

SCREW YOU INFERTILITY!

Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

I caved and bought a HPT

HAPPY 2012!!!!

I haven't posted in a while. We took a break last month. I just couldn't go through another 2WW during the holidays. I needed a break from the anxiety and disappointment. I just wanted to relax and take it easy.

As luck would have it, I had all ovulation symptoms - ewcm (which I very rarely have) and ovulation cramps on my left side exactly on cycle day 14. AF showed up on cycle day 28.

Textbook.

So 2012 is here and I'm excited about taking a 'relaxed' approach to TTC. I used to ovulate on CD 14 almost every month with the exception of 2 or 3 months where I ovulated as late as CD 18. The last few months, I went back to my usual CD 13 or 14 so I decided not to bother with OPKs.

This month, I waited for those days and nothing -  no ewcm and no cramps.

We gave it a shot anyway.

I didn't sweat the 2WW, since I'm not allowing myself to do that anymore. In all the years that AF has been a part of my life, I've NEVER missed a period  nor have I been late. My cycles are 28 - 29 days.

This month, I'm 3 days late. I'm at cycle day 32 and still no AF.

I swore I'd never take a HPT unless I was late. I probably should have waited a week just in case, but I dragged my butt to the drugstore and bought a FRER in the hopes that I'd see two lines this time. After all, I'm never late.

This is what I saw:

Can the lack of a second line be any more obvious?

The picture is a bit fuzzy, but there isn't even a hint of a line. Not even an evaporated line. Just a clear BFN. I waited 15 minutes just in case... NO CHANGE. Stark white.

I guess I ovulated a bit later than usual.

AF continues to mock me.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).

OMG, I gagged!

I bought a chicken parmesan sandwich yesterday on my way home. As I sat in front of the TV and was about to bite into it, I saw a hair. Ewwwww!!

I gagged.

I was seriously scared I was going to throw up right on my coffee table and couldn't get rid of the sandwich fast enough.

All I could do was think "Omg, omg, omg, I gagged!"

Despite the fact that I had a voluminous AF just a few days ago (cramps and all), my irrational TTC brain couldn't help but think "could I be pregnant?"

I gagged and clearly I chose to ignore that it could have been because of the long black hair residing in my sandwich.

Maybe I'm one of those women who gets a period throughout their pregnancy. After all, I do watch TLC's I didn't know I was pregnant where women don't realize they're pregnant until they're half way through their labor.

I was just about to use a HPT, despite the fact that I vowed never to use one before a missed AF.

After I got a hold of myself, I realized that TTC has made me more irrational than I normally am. I mean, what are the chances that I could be pregnant despite a heavy AF visit complete with cramps?

ZERO.

Hoping, hoping, hoping...

The nurse called me from my RE's office to tell me about the results of my blood test. My hormones are normal (one hurdle jumped!).  My progesterone levels indicate that I have in fact ovulated. My OPK confirmed ovulation at cycle day 18 this month, so it was good to hear that my hormones show that I did ovulate.

She ended by telling me that the pregnancy blood test came back negative, "so you will be getting your period in the next few days". Of course she didn't emphasize 'will', but it felt that way to my paranoid TTC self.

DAMN!

What was it about those words that made me want to prove the lovely nurse wrong? Why did it feel like a challenge?

My RE was very adamant in telling me that although she was going to get a pregnancy blood test done, since it was 10 dpo (days past ovulation), it could still be a false negative since some women don't implant until after 10 dpo.

So what do I do?

I convince myself hope that I could be pregnant this time around. How many times have we heard stories of women going to an RE just to find out they were pregnant. Or about to start an IVF cycle just to find out that they were pregnant naturally.

Against my better judgement, I spent the next few days trying to determine if I had any pregnancy symptoms. Naturally, I had them.

• "Is it me or is it hot in here" - Could this be an early pregnancy symptom?
• "I had to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day, maybe I'm pregnant" - I seemed to have forgotten that I drank 100 glasses of water that day
• "Was that a cramp I felt at 11 dpo? Maybe that was implantation"
• "I'm exhausted today and am going to sleep early - maybe I'm pregnant" -  Seems that I forgot I woke up at 6:00 and worked a 12 hour day.

You get the point.

By the time I was 14 dpo (I always get my period on 14 dpo), I was crazy.

I couldn't work because I spent my entire day searching for pregnancy symptoms online convinced that I had those symptoms. I must have gone to the bathroom 5 times an hour, no joke, to see if AF (Aunt Flo) had come along.

No AF. So far, so good.

Every time I went to the bathroom and saw that AF hadn't shown her face, I was beyond excited. I wanted to skip back to my office.

Just as I made it to the evening AF-free, I started spotting!

That's okay... I'm not out yet, I told myself. Don't women get spotting in early pregnancy? It could also be implantation bleeding right?

I never spot, I just get right into AF, so I still had hope. Clearly I'm not a quitter. I still had 1% of hope and I was hanging on for dear life.

Seven hours later,  after obsessively checking toilet paper, it was a full-blown period.

AF, you evil cow! How I hate you!!!

I was instructed to call the nurse and leave her a message letting her know that I'd gotten my period.

So with a very full wine glass in one hand and my phone in the other, I did as instructed.