Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

I caved and bought a HPT

HAPPY 2012!!!!

I haven't posted in a while. We took a break last month. I just couldn't go through another 2WW during the holidays. I needed a break from the anxiety and disappointment. I just wanted to relax and take it easy.

As luck would have it, I had all ovulation symptoms - ewcm (which I very rarely have) and ovulation cramps on my left side exactly on cycle day 14. AF showed up on cycle day 28.

Textbook.

So 2012 is here and I'm excited about taking a 'relaxed' approach to TTC. I used to ovulate on CD 14 almost every month with the exception of 2 or 3 months where I ovulated as late as CD 18. The last few months, I went back to my usual CD 13 or 14 so I decided not to bother with OPKs.

This month, I waited for those days and nothing -  no ewcm and no cramps.

We gave it a shot anyway.

I didn't sweat the 2WW, since I'm not allowing myself to do that anymore. In all the years that AF has been a part of my life, I've NEVER missed a period  nor have I been late. My cycles are 28 - 29 days.

This month, I'm 3 days late. I'm at cycle day 32 and still no AF.

I swore I'd never take a HPT unless I was late. I probably should have waited a week just in case, but I dragged my butt to the drugstore and bought a FRER in the hopes that I'd see two lines this time. After all, I'm never late.

This is what I saw:

Can the lack of a second line be any more obvious?

The picture is a bit fuzzy, but there isn't even a hint of a line. Not even an evaporated line. Just a clear BFN. I waited 15 minutes just in case... NO CHANGE. Stark white.

I guess I ovulated a bit later than usual.

AF continues to mock me.

TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

We're surgin' baby!

Yesterday was cycle day 14 for me and I got a call from my wonderful RE nurse. She's honestly one of the sweetest people I've spoken to at my RE's office, I almost feel guilty for wanting to prove her wrong last month.

She called to tell me that my blood and ultrasounds results show that I'm a 'walking sign of fertility'... wish I had a baby in my womb to prove that.

In any case, I clearly had an LH surge and she expects me to ovulate either yesterday or today and so I should 'get busy'. By yesterday evening, I had ovulation pains that I get every month and just like the nurse said, the pain was on my left side.

I know I said that TTC is stressing me out and that I would take this month off, but after my nurses' call, how could I? I got so tempted just to try this month especially since it's the first month of cycle monitoring and all my test results sound so encouraging.

For the first time in a very long time since we started TTC, BF and I had an 'awesome time' ;) It was like our pre-TTC days.

To be honest, we weren't able to BD much during the fertile window, so ovulation day is really all we were able to get in this week. I've heard most say that it's best to BD the days leading up to ovulation day, so I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month. I'm just glad we made an attempt.

My RE doesn't seem to be concerned, but I find it odd that for the last few months, I'm ovulating all over the place. This month, I'm ovulating on CD14, last month it was CD18, the month before CD12. As a result, I'm having anywhere from 27 - 34 day cycles.

My RE says I'm still within the normal range, but I'm only concerned because until about the last 4 months, I had a regular 29 day cycle and all of a sudden, my cycles went all over the place (for me).

In any case, I'm now starting my 2WW. Since I've never been a patient person, this is the most stressful part for me because I'm listening to my body the whole time waiting to see if I feel anything. Of course by 13 DPO, I've convinced myself that I have all the early pregnancy symptoms and the red tide of disappointment comes the very next day to prove otherwise.

I'm going to try not to obsess this month and focus on other things... we'll see if I make it