Infertility ruins relationships ...well it's ruining mine

I've read quite a few blogs where couples have to deal with infertility and I'm always envious. I'm envious of their mood. Nobody really talks about how angry they are and  how much infertility causes issues in their relationships... at least not the ones I'm reading.

The last few weeks in our household have been one word - horrible.

Although my BF seemed to have handled it relatively well when we were given the news of male factor infertility, that was short lived. I understood and was fully supportive of what was to come. Call me naive, but I never anticipated what actually happened.

He got angry (expected) - at ME (not expected)!

My acceptance of our situation actually angered him. I never look at infertility as one person's issue, in a relationship, both people manage that. It is both of their issues. He doesn't look at it this way, he looks at it as only his problem. Despite the fact that I've been supportive and understanding, he only sees it as his issue.

He's suggested I go and find someone who'll be able to have children with me. I always respond with, "I have". I don't want him for a second to think that there are no other options. Although he seemed to be on the IVF option in the beginning, he doesn't seem to be interested these days.

I made an appointment with another RE thinking that perhaps if we start fresh with this one, he may will feel more of a connection with this doctor. I made the appointment and then he informed that I would be going alone. If I cancelled it, I would have to wait months and months to get a new appointment, so I had no choice but to go all by myself.

I felt like an idiot answering my BF health questions  when he was watching TV at home. I felt horrible going through the whole deal of getting wanded, a rushed pap smear that hurt like hell because the doctor was rushing and half of my blood drawn yet again and coming home not to be asked at all how it went.

After that day, I decided that I'd put the fertility treatments on hold until he's is ready. I don't want to push him. Sadly, he hasn't mentioned a single thing all these weeks. It's like we're not even going through this. I suggested taking vitamins, he shot be down angrily. The very fact that I even brought that up angered him.

So now I wait.

I feel guilty, as though I've done something wrong.

I remember a friend of mine who found out that she had infertility issues tell me that at first she was angry at her husband for being perfectly fertile. She said it passed. I don't know what we're going through exactly, but it's obvious that whatever it is, my BF is set on keeping me at arms length. The only thing I can do is push my feelings to the back burner and try to be as supportive as possible despite how hurtful he is.

To make matter worse, guess what AF did ?

For the first time ever, she is late. I'm not talking a day or two, she's 9 days late.

After getting my usual BFN at home at 5 days late, I got a blood test today at 9 days late and got an expected BFN with that as well. My doctor thinks I'm just stressed.

Thanks for making things extra fun AF! You always know how to kick my ass at the right time.

SCREW YOU INFERTILITY!

Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

"I don't know how that happened"

I was in the kitchen grabbing a quick glass of water at work while another girl happened to be looking at the TV of streaming news while waiting for her lunch in the microwave.

Suddenly I heard her squeal, "Oh my God!!"

I looked up at the TV thinking it has to be a horrific accident, the market has crashed even more than it already has, Michael Jackson is really alive ...

Nope.

The TLC realty show, the Duggars, are having their 20th child. Michelle Duggar is 45! She got pregnant au naturel at 45!

Before leaving the kitchen, the girl ended with, "can you imagine what that woman's vaginal looks like, I'm surprised she's not peeing everywhere."

 
“We are so excited,” Michelle Duggar says  “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.”

“I don’t know how that happened,” Jim Bob, her husband, joked.

Some of us monitor bodily fluids that we never thought we'd be monitoring, pee on sticks so that we can have sex at the right time and then pretty much stand on our heads afterwards just to get pregnant...

All while others are lucky enough not to know know how it happened.

Infertile birthdays

I've never been one of those people who gets depressed about their birthdays. Becoming one year older has been exciting for me since I was a kid.

When all my friends were falling into depression about turning 30, I was happy to be starting a new decade of my life.

This time it's different.

I'm staring 34 in the eye just a few days away and the last thing I am is excited. I usually start a new year of my life looking back and being happy about whatever I've accomplished the year before.

The last year has mostly been about TTC... and nothing has come of it.

At the start of this journey, I completely took for granted that I'd have a 2011 baby. In fact, I was more concerned about when in 2011 would be an ideal month. I remember thinking that I liked the idea of a December baby...I was such a fool!

For the first time in my life, I'm disappointed about getting a year older because that means my eggs are getting a year older too. I'm just one year away from that magical age of 35 when, according to everyone and their grandma, there will be a sharp and ugly decline in my 'fertility'. I really feel like I'm fighting the clock now.

Almost everything I did in my adult life was in preparation to start a family. I worked my ass off to set up my career in such a way that I would be able to work and raise a family. I kept my body as healthy as possible to prepare myself for pregnancy. I only dated guys who, I believed, would make great fathers.

And here I am exactly where I was last year.

Only difference is that this year, I know all about OPKs, fertile CM, DPO symptoms, BBTs, Mittelschmerz and cycle monitoring.


But I still don't have a baby.

Thanks Facebook!

A Facebook friend of mine (because it's important to indicate that this is not a real life friend, just a Facebook friend), just got married.

She changed her relationship status to 'married' and within minutes stated that :


"My awesome husband (love calling him that) and I are proud to announce that we're expecting a beautiful little baby. We're 2 months pregnant!!!!"

My first bitter thought - 'think you have enough exclamation marks?'

In all honesty, I'm happy for the couple. I'm not at the point where seeing pregnant women makes me feel sad or hearing a couple's good news makes me feel envious.

However, this Facebook announcement irked me. The fact that it didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside could be because of the following:

1. I really don't care much for this girl. I connected with her because I felt bad declining her friend request.
2. How blissfully ignorant to the risks are you to announce to all 506 friends that you're pregnant at only 8 weeks?
3. I remember her saying time and time again that she never wanted to have kids.

I have a Facebook account, but I'm not one of those people who're posting every single picture taken or every single morsel of food I ate that day. I just don't think people need to know everything and truthfully, I don't think they care.

Maybe because I'm going through this TTC process, I'm starting to notice how often my 'friends' post their pregnancy announcements.

The irony is not lost on me - she never wanted kids and she's lucky enough to fearlessly announce her pregnancy before her second trimester.

Looks like I have a first class ticket on the plane to bitter-land.

How it all began...

First of all, I'll apologize for not having a more exciting title, but at least it's descriptive :)

In short - I'm an almost 34-year-old eagerly on the TTC (Trying to conceive) journey.

Like countless other women, I've known I wanted to be a mother since the age of 5. That was the age someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I told them "I'm gonna be a mommy".

Fast forward 29 years... I've checked off all my other 'must haves' to get closer to being a mommy. Everything I did was to get closer to motherhood. I rushed through college, developed a great career, started a business and finally met a fantastic partner. Now it's baby time!

I say 'partner', because 'boyfriend' seems so trivial, especially at age 34. But essentially, that's what he is at this point, so I'll refer to him as BF from here on. BF and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half, great friends for two. At 46, he's obviously much, much older than me. After much hesitation, I decided that the age difference is not something I wanted to keep me away from getting to know him better, so I continued this relationship and boy am I glad I did!

Planning a life together and working tirelessly towards that goal, we've decided to start the journey to start a family. After years of being careful not to get pregnant, I assumed that it was something that would happen almost instantly.

After 11 months of trying, we're without a BFP.

One of my biggest fears has always been that I may not be able to have a baby. I'm a big time worrier  - I worry about everything little thing that could happen in life. I'm even more worried now that there could be something seriously wrong.

After months of counting cycle days, monitoring CM (so not what I ever thought I'd do) and for the last 3 months, using OPKs, I've decided to get a referral to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).

My appointment is in a few days...