Positve OPK, but feeling so sad

After I caved and got my BFN last cycle, AF made her appearance the very next day.

I should have used OPKs for my own sanity last cycle. I would have known that I had simply ovulated a bit later than normal, which would have helped me not get my hopes up. Instead, I really thought that there was a chance I was pregnant and was crushed to find out I wasn't.

That made month #14 of TTC and not getting pregnant.

I bought OPKs this cycle. I really want to know when I'm ovulating so that I can avoid getting my hopes up again if AF comes a bit later than I anticipate. I got a negative yesterday at cycle day 11 and a positive today at cycle day 12.

We've been pretty good with out 'trying' schedule and have been trying every other day since cycle day 8. I hope we can keep it up for another few days. I think I'll either ovulate tomorrow or the day after.

I'm bummed though. I know I should be excited that I got a positive OPK and we've scheduled out attempts so well, but a part of me is so incredibly sad because we've done that in the past and the cycle always ends with AF.

My BF and I have decided that if this cycle ends with a BFN, he will get a semen analysis. I'm scared of the results.

I know I should be more positive but I feel in my heart that this will be month #15 of AF making an appearance and just can't bear to get my hopes up again.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes crushed month after month and even more terrified  when I think about what the semen analysis results could bring into our struggle to have a baby.

OMG, I gagged!

I bought a chicken parmesan sandwich yesterday on my way home. As I sat in front of the TV and was about to bite into it, I saw a hair. Ewwwww!!

I gagged.

I was seriously scared I was going to throw up right on my coffee table and couldn't get rid of the sandwich fast enough.

All I could do was think "Omg, omg, omg, I gagged!"

Despite the fact that I had a voluminous AF just a few days ago (cramps and all), my irrational TTC brain couldn't help but think "could I be pregnant?"

I gagged and clearly I chose to ignore that it could have been because of the long black hair residing in my sandwich.

Maybe I'm one of those women who gets a period throughout their pregnancy. After all, I do watch TLC's I didn't know I was pregnant where women don't realize they're pregnant until they're half way through their labor.

I was just about to use a HPT, despite the fact that I vowed never to use one before a missed AF.

After I got a hold of myself, I realized that TTC has made me more irrational than I normally am. I mean, what are the chances that I could be pregnant despite a heavy AF visit complete with cramps?

ZERO.

Why I won't pee on a stick

Okay, the title isn't exactly accurate. I pee on a stick (POAS) all the time - OPKs.

But for the last several months, I have resisted the urge to pee on a home pregnancy test. I just won't do it.

At the beginning of this TTC journey, I was all about peeing on a stick. I did it at 8 dpo (no idea why) all the way till AF reared her ugly head.

All I did was waste my money because I never believed the results.

The whole point of a HPT is to tell you whether or not you're pregnant. Despite the fact that they were all STARK WHITE, I found a way to justify why they were negative:

• I implanted late
• I'm one of those people who never get a positive result
• My test is defective
• I just need to wait a few more days

Never did I accept that I simply wasn't pregnant... not until AF showed up.

So the last few months, I've saved myself the drama and saved some money by resisting the urge. Since the only thing that would convince me that I wasn't pregnant was AF, I'd just wait until I saw her.

Only if I was one full day late was I going to allow myself to test.

So far this plan has worked. I don't think I've taken a test in about 3 or 4 months.