Hoping, hoping, hoping...

The nurse called me from my RE's office to tell me about the results of my blood test. My hormones are normal (one hurdle jumped!).  My progesterone levels indicate that I have in fact ovulated. My OPK confirmed ovulation at cycle day 18 this month, so it was good to hear that my hormones show that I did ovulate.

She ended by telling me that the pregnancy blood test came back negative, "so you will be getting your period in the next few days". Of course she didn't emphasize 'will', but it felt that way to my paranoid TTC self.

DAMN!

What was it about those words that made me want to prove the lovely nurse wrong? Why did it feel like a challenge?

My RE was very adamant in telling me that although she was going to get a pregnancy blood test done, since it was 10 dpo (days past ovulation), it could still be a false negative since some women don't implant until after 10 dpo.

So what do I do?

I convince myself hope that I could be pregnant this time around. How many times have we heard stories of women going to an RE just to find out they were pregnant. Or about to start an IVF cycle just to find out that they were pregnant naturally.

Against my better judgement, I spent the next few days trying to determine if I had any pregnancy symptoms. Naturally, I had them.

• "Is it me or is it hot in here" - Could this be an early pregnancy symptom?
• "I had to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day, maybe I'm pregnant" - I seemed to have forgotten that I drank 100 glasses of water that day
• "Was that a cramp I felt at 11 dpo? Maybe that was implantation"
• "I'm exhausted today and am going to sleep early - maybe I'm pregnant" -  Seems that I forgot I woke up at 6:00 and worked a 12 hour day.

You get the point.

By the time I was 14 dpo (I always get my period on 14 dpo), I was crazy.

I couldn't work because I spent my entire day searching for pregnancy symptoms online convinced that I had those symptoms. I must have gone to the bathroom 5 times an hour, no joke, to see if AF (Aunt Flo) had come along.

No AF. So far, so good.

Every time I went to the bathroom and saw that AF hadn't shown her face, I was beyond excited. I wanted to skip back to my office.

Just as I made it to the evening AF-free, I started spotting!

That's okay... I'm not out yet, I told myself. Don't women get spotting in early pregnancy? It could also be implantation bleeding right?

I never spot, I just get right into AF, so I still had hope. Clearly I'm not a quitter. I still had 1% of hope and I was hanging on for dear life.

Seven hours later,  after obsessively checking toilet paper, it was a full-blown period.

AF, you evil cow! How I hate you!!!

I was instructed to call the nurse and leave her a message letting her know that I'd gotten my period.

So with a very full wine glass in one hand and my phone in the other, I did as instructed.