I've never been one of those people who gets depressed about their birthdays. Becoming one year older has been exciting for me since I was a kid.
When all my friends were falling into depression about turning 30, I was happy to be starting a new decade of my life.
This time it's different.
I'm staring 34 in the eye just a few days away and the last thing I am is excited. I usually start a new year of my life looking back and being happy about whatever I've accomplished the year before.
The last year has mostly been about TTC... and nothing has come of it.
At the start of this journey, I completely took for granted that I'd have a 2011 baby. In fact, I was more concerned about when in 2011 would be an ideal month. I remember thinking that I liked the idea of a December baby...I was such a fool!
For the first time in my life, I'm disappointed about getting a year older because that means my eggs are getting a year older too. I'm just one year away from that magical age of 35 when, according to everyone and their grandma, there will be a sharp and ugly decline in my 'fertility'. I really feel like I'm fighting the clock now.
Almost everything I did in my adult life was in preparation to start a family. I worked my ass off to set up my career in such a way that I would be able to work and raise a family. I kept my body as healthy as possible to prepare myself for pregnancy. I only dated guys who, I believed, would make great fathers.
And here I am exactly where I was last year.
Only difference is that this year, I know all about OPKs, fertile CM, DPO symptoms, BBTs, Mittelschmerz and cycle monitoring.
But I still don't have a baby.
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