Infertility ruins relationships ...well it's ruining mine

I've read quite a few blogs where couples have to deal with infertility and I'm always envious. I'm envious of their mood. Nobody really talks about how angry they are and  how much infertility causes issues in their relationships... at least not the ones I'm reading.

The last few weeks in our household have been one word - horrible.

Although my BF seemed to have handled it relatively well when we were given the news of male factor infertility, that was short lived. I understood and was fully supportive of what was to come. Call me naive, but I never anticipated what actually happened.

He got angry (expected) - at ME (not expected)!

My acceptance of our situation actually angered him. I never look at infertility as one person's issue, in a relationship, both people manage that. It is both of their issues. He doesn't look at it this way, he looks at it as only his problem. Despite the fact that I've been supportive and understanding, he only sees it as his issue.

He's suggested I go and find someone who'll be able to have children with me. I always respond with, "I have". I don't want him for a second to think that there are no other options. Although he seemed to be on the IVF option in the beginning, he doesn't seem to be interested these days.

I made an appointment with another RE thinking that perhaps if we start fresh with this one, he may will feel more of a connection with this doctor. I made the appointment and then he informed that I would be going alone. If I cancelled it, I would have to wait months and months to get a new appointment, so I had no choice but to go all by myself.

I felt like an idiot answering my BF health questions  when he was watching TV at home. I felt horrible going through the whole deal of getting wanded, a rushed pap smear that hurt like hell because the doctor was rushing and half of my blood drawn yet again and coming home not to be asked at all how it went.

After that day, I decided that I'd put the fertility treatments on hold until he's is ready. I don't want to push him. Sadly, he hasn't mentioned a single thing all these weeks. It's like we're not even going through this. I suggested taking vitamins, he shot be down angrily. The very fact that I even brought that up angered him.

So now I wait.

I feel guilty, as though I've done something wrong.

I remember a friend of mine who found out that she had infertility issues tell me that at first she was angry at her husband for being perfectly fertile. She said it passed. I don't know what we're going through exactly, but it's obvious that whatever it is, my BF is set on keeping me at arms length. The only thing I can do is push my feelings to the back burner and try to be as supportive as possible despite how hurtful he is.

To make matter worse, guess what AF did ?

For the first time ever, she is late. I'm not talking a day or two, she's 9 days late.

After getting my usual BFN at home at 5 days late, I got a blood test today at 9 days late and got an expected BFN with that as well. My doctor thinks I'm just stressed.

Thanks for making things extra fun AF! You always know how to kick my ass at the right time.

SCREW YOU INFERTILITY!

Guilt and Answers

Nothing much has happened since my last post. I think I've come to terms with our diagnosis, but it's taking my BF a bit longer.

It's not just the MFI that he's coming to terms with, he feels an incredible amount of guilt that we have to go through this. I don't see it like that. This is our challenge as a couple and something that we will both face together. It will take some time and a lot of reassurance, but I think we're on the right path.

I decided that I didn't want to bombard him with doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. He's the type of guy that needs time to process things like this and needs to do things when he's ready. I can wait... we've been waiting this long a few more weeks won't kill me.

In the meantime, I've been doing a tonne of research on IVF with ICSI. The thought of IVF used to scare me in the past and I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get started.

It's a very strange feeling but I actually feel better now than I did the last few months. We now have a game plan, we now have options and a chance. I think I started to lose hope the last few months and I now have regained determination. I'm the type of person that needs to KNOW what's going on. Good news or bad news, I feel much better knowing what the situation is and that something can be done about it.

Answers are comforting to me.

My goal now is to comfort my BF and make sure he understands that we're in this together. I don't know if I can ever help him feel less guilty, but I will work my ass off trying.

It's official...

We're an infertile couple.

The SA results were bad. Like really bad. Every aspect of the results are low.

At first I was devastated and nervous about breaking the news to my BF since I got the news over the phone. Our RE has requested another sample, but honestly with numbers like that, I'd be shocked to see a major difference. If the numbers are still the same, our only chance of ever conceiving is through IVF and not even plain old IVF, we'll likely  need IVF with ICSI.

BF is devastated and I feel horrible seeing him feel like this. I felt bad that I encouraged us to go through this just to rock his world with this news. Neither one of us was expecting this, it was just something routine to rule him out before we get more invasive tests done on me.

It took me a few days, but I started seeing the positive side of things. Understandably, it's taking BF a bit longer to see things like I do. Things could have been worse. Instead of us finding out that his sperm count is low, we could have been told that he has no sperm at all.

I'm just so grateful that at least we still have a chance of conceiving.  It may not be the good old fashioned way, but really who cares at the end of the day? If we're blessed with a bundle of joy, I'm more than happy to go through the IVF process. I just want us to be able to have kids, I don't care how they get here.

What scares me about the IVF process is the fact that even with IVF, we can still walk away without a baby. I've read countless stories where couples go through several rounds and none are successful. This is now my biggest fear. Based on the little googling I've done, chances that we'll have a baby is about 30 - 50%, but at least it isn't 0%.

In any case, I'm putting my fear aside for now and I'm choosing to look at the bright side or I'll go crazy. I'm soooooo geared up to start IVF ASAP. I feel like we're a step closer and I'm excited about that.

I would however like to say - SCREW YOU INFERTILITY! YOU SUCK!

Devastated

We got the SA results and we're devastated... and that's all I can say for now.

Thanks for the advice!

I hate being given advice about how to get pregnant from someone who got pregnant on the first month of attempting.

Although I haven't shared the fact that we're TTC, I had a friend, who is currently 6 months pregnant, tell me that I'm getting older now and if I want to have kids, I should start trying.

Thanks for that bit of advice!

She went into expert advice about getting pregnant. The sad part is that although she may know so much more about actually being pregnant, I'm far more of an expert about attempting to 'get pregnant' than her. She had no idea when she was ovulating. She got off the pill and within a month, she was pregnant.

I felt like slapping her, but slapping a pregnant woman isn't acceptable so I just smiled and nodded.

We're awaiting my BF's SA results this week. To say that we're nervous doesn't even scratch the surface.

Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

Positve OPK, but feeling so sad

After I caved and got my BFN last cycle, AF made her appearance the very next day.

I should have used OPKs for my own sanity last cycle. I would have known that I had simply ovulated a bit later than normal, which would have helped me not get my hopes up. Instead, I really thought that there was a chance I was pregnant and was crushed to find out I wasn't.

That made month #14 of TTC and not getting pregnant.

I bought OPKs this cycle. I really want to know when I'm ovulating so that I can avoid getting my hopes up again if AF comes a bit later than I anticipate. I got a negative yesterday at cycle day 11 and a positive today at cycle day 12.

We've been pretty good with out 'trying' schedule and have been trying every other day since cycle day 8. I hope we can keep it up for another few days. I think I'll either ovulate tomorrow or the day after.

I'm bummed though. I know I should be excited that I got a positive OPK and we've scheduled out attempts so well, but a part of me is so incredibly sad because we've done that in the past and the cycle always ends with AF.

My BF and I have decided that if this cycle ends with a BFN, he will get a semen analysis. I'm scared of the results.

I know I should be more positive but I feel in my heart that this will be month #15 of AF making an appearance and just can't bear to get my hopes up again.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes crushed month after month and even more terrified  when I think about what the semen analysis results could bring into our struggle to have a baby.

I caved and bought a HPT

HAPPY 2012!!!!

I haven't posted in a while. We took a break last month. I just couldn't go through another 2WW during the holidays. I needed a break from the anxiety and disappointment. I just wanted to relax and take it easy.

As luck would have it, I had all ovulation symptoms - ewcm (which I very rarely have) and ovulation cramps on my left side exactly on cycle day 14. AF showed up on cycle day 28.

Textbook.

So 2012 is here and I'm excited about taking a 'relaxed' approach to TTC. I used to ovulate on CD 14 almost every month with the exception of 2 or 3 months where I ovulated as late as CD 18. The last few months, I went back to my usual CD 13 or 14 so I decided not to bother with OPKs.

This month, I waited for those days and nothing -  no ewcm and no cramps.

We gave it a shot anyway.

I didn't sweat the 2WW, since I'm not allowing myself to do that anymore. In all the years that AF has been a part of my life, I've NEVER missed a period  nor have I been late. My cycles are 28 - 29 days.

This month, I'm 3 days late. I'm at cycle day 32 and still no AF.

I swore I'd never take a HPT unless I was late. I probably should have waited a week just in case, but I dragged my butt to the drugstore and bought a FRER in the hopes that I'd see two lines this time. After all, I'm never late.

This is what I saw:

Can the lack of a second line be any more obvious?

The picture is a bit fuzzy, but there isn't even a hint of a line. Not even an evaporated line. Just a clear BFN. I waited 15 minutes just in case... NO CHANGE. Stark white.

I guess I ovulated a bit later than usual.

AF continues to mock me.

Chance of a BFP this month = Big fat ZERO

We're completely out of the running for a BFP this month.

We didn't even make a single attempt, not even one, during ovulation. We were both exhausted. We've been exhausted in the past, but I've made the effort and made it happen. But I just didn't want to this time.

There is ZERO chance that I could be pregnant this month and I'm fine with that.

At first I was upset, but honestly, I need a break. I don't want to go through the holidays obsessing over signs of a BFP or the disappointment of AF.

What makes me laugh (in that bitter way) is that all the 'BFP symtoms' I've had in other 2WW, I have right now. If I already didn't know that those symptoms were in my head, I now have confirmation. The increased CM, sore boobs, fatigue and metallic taste makes me laugh and shake my head at all the months these things made me hopeful.

I'm not even allowing myself to think about TTC or anything TTC-related. I've been stressed out and been disappointed every single month this year when AF shows up and want to start the New Year with a bit of sanity.

I never knew how relieved I would be to have missed ovulation.

I'm now THAT freak

I've never liked shopping.

I like it even less when it's holiday shopping. The mall is swarming with people who make it impossible to take more than 1 step a minute and for an impatient person like me, this is unbelievably frustrating.

Now that I'm going TTC crazy, pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  I know they've always been there and I'm just noticing them now that I'm monitoring every damn thing about my body in the hopes that I'll be sporting a pregnant belly of my own. Yesterday I found myself doing the one thing I hate.

I was staring.

I honestly didn't notice I was staring at this poor pregnant woman. She was probably about my age and was waiting in the checkout line beside mine looking exhausted. I remember thinking how much I hope I look like that one day.

I wasn't looking at her with hate in my eyes, just imagining how beautiful it would be to get where she is.  I know I freaked her out because she looked at me with a look of worry.

I'm now the freak who stares at pregnant women.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).

TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

We're surgin' baby!

Yesterday was cycle day 14 for me and I got a call from my wonderful RE nurse. She's honestly one of the sweetest people I've spoken to at my RE's office, I almost feel guilty for wanting to prove her wrong last month.

She called to tell me that my blood and ultrasounds results show that I'm a 'walking sign of fertility'... wish I had a baby in my womb to prove that.

In any case, I clearly had an LH surge and she expects me to ovulate either yesterday or today and so I should 'get busy'. By yesterday evening, I had ovulation pains that I get every month and just like the nurse said, the pain was on my left side.

I know I said that TTC is stressing me out and that I would take this month off, but after my nurses' call, how could I? I got so tempted just to try this month especially since it's the first month of cycle monitoring and all my test results sound so encouraging.

For the first time in a very long time since we started TTC, BF and I had an 'awesome time' ;) It was like our pre-TTC days.

To be honest, we weren't able to BD much during the fertile window, so ovulation day is really all we were able to get in this week. I've heard most say that it's best to BD the days leading up to ovulation day, so I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month. I'm just glad we made an attempt.

My RE doesn't seem to be concerned, but I find it odd that for the last few months, I'm ovulating all over the place. This month, I'm ovulating on CD14, last month it was CD18, the month before CD12. As a result, I'm having anywhere from 27 - 34 day cycles.

My RE says I'm still within the normal range, but I'm only concerned because until about the last 4 months, I had a regular 29 day cycle and all of a sudden, my cycles went all over the place (for me).

In any case, I'm now starting my 2WW. Since I've never been a patient person, this is the most stressful part for me because I'm listening to my body the whole time waiting to see if I feel anything. Of course by 13 DPO, I've convinced myself that I have all the early pregnancy symptoms and the red tide of disappointment comes the very next day to prove otherwise.

I'm going to try not to obsess this month and focus on other things... we'll see if I make it

When babies just appear in your womb

I found myself standing behind a pregnant woman while grabbing a cup of coffee before work this morning. She looked she was almost due and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her.

I never understood why people would refer to a pregnant woman's glow until I started TTC and started to pay attention to pregnant woman.

She was having a conversation on her phone and being so close, I had to listen... not because I was nosey or anything :)

"I feel like this baby is invading my body and I can't wait for it to come out, I feel like a damn baby machine", she said as she sighed.

Since slapping a pregnant woman isn't the best thing to do, I wanted to yell at her.

This is the kind of shit women say when they can easily get pregnant. Babies just appear in their wombs without trying. I pray for the day that I can feel that a baby is invading my body.

How I'd love to be a baby machine.

At the beginning of my TTC journey, I was excited. These days, I'm finding that TTC makes me resentful of anyone who has ever become pregnant without trying and then bitches about it.

Tasteful Facebook announcements

A few years ago, an ex-co-worker turned friend announced her pregnancy on facebook.

She didn't announce it like this one did, her's was very tasteful. In fact, she didn't quite announce it, she just posted a picture of her 9-month-pregnant self on vacation with her husband.

Her Facebook buddies, including myself, had no clue she was pregnant and she got more comments on her huge baby bump rather than the scenic vacation picture.

I sent her a message telling her how happy I was for them. Since I was completely ignorant to the TTC world and the insensitive Facebook announcements at that time, I asked her why she didn't announce her pregnancy sooner.

She replied by telling me that although she doesn't know anybody struggling with infertility, she assumed that some people simply don't share their struggles and she didn't want to hurt anyone with her pregnancy announcement. She waited until the last minute to simply post a picture with no comment about her pregnancy.

At the time, I didn't understand the depth of her thoughtfulness especially since she did it without even knowing anyone's IF struggle.

Today she posted a picture of herself , 9 months pregnant with her second baby. She didn't mention anything about her pregnancy, she simply mentioned how much she loved her husband and daughter (who were in the picture with her).

I loved it.

For the first time since I started TTC, I was happy to see that kind of Facebook announcement and understood the thoughtfulness behind it.

TTC is totally killing sexy time

TTC has put a strain on our relationship.

Although BF and I have been trying for a year, he's not concerned. At least, he doesn't seem to be concerned. I had originally decided to keep my RE rendez-vous a secret, but decided to tell him about them last week. He was fine with it and didn't say much... he's a quiet man.

I read a lot of TTC or IF blogs, but rarely do they talk about the strain in puts on their relationship... at least I haven't read them.

TTC has totally affected our relationships. The days of rabbit sex are a very distant, distant memory. In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to TTC. I try not to share too much with him in terms of when I'm ovulating, but he's not stupid. He knows that I act like an animal in heat when I'm ovulating and he insists on letting it 'happen naturally'.

I want to yell, "dude, we have to do it now or wait another 4 weeks!!". But you can't say that kind of thing without pressure the hell out of a guy... to the point of 'performance anxiety'.

We're at a point where our sex life is stressful.

We don't find it exciting or fun. It's become a job. The connection we once had seems to be diminishing. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm doing all the work and we're arguing about it. The last thing you want to do is have sex when you're arguing -  it's a cycle.

This is really a shitty situation.

As much as I want to TTC, I'm wondering if we should take a break. I know it's counter productive considering that it's my first cycle monitoring with an RE and this would be the optimal time to month. But honestly, the last few months, I know when I was ovulating and we timed sexy time perfectly and I still ended up 'enjoying' AF's visit.

So maybe we just need to take a break.

Honestly, it's becoming a real strain. My great initiative and enthusiasm is fine and well in the workplace, but it doesn't quite translate in the bedroom when all your partner wants to do is take a nap.

I'm thinking maybe if I initiate less, he'll initiate more and if a lose a month in this TTC saga, maybe it's worth it.

After all these months of failed cycles, maybe one more isn't a big deal if it will get our relationship back on track.

OMG, I gagged!

I bought a chicken parmesan sandwich yesterday on my way home. As I sat in front of the TV and was about to bite into it, I saw a hair. Ewwwww!!

I gagged.

I was seriously scared I was going to throw up right on my coffee table and couldn't get rid of the sandwich fast enough.

All I could do was think "Omg, omg, omg, I gagged!"

Despite the fact that I had a voluminous AF just a few days ago (cramps and all), my irrational TTC brain couldn't help but think "could I be pregnant?"

I gagged and clearly I chose to ignore that it could have been because of the long black hair residing in my sandwich.

Maybe I'm one of those women who gets a period throughout their pregnancy. After all, I do watch TLC's I didn't know I was pregnant where women don't realize they're pregnant until they're half way through their labor.

I was just about to use a HPT, despite the fact that I vowed never to use one before a missed AF.

After I got a hold of myself, I realized that TTC has made me more irrational than I normally am. I mean, what are the chances that I could be pregnant despite a heavy AF visit complete with cramps?

ZERO.