Chance of a BFP this month = Big fat ZERO

We're completely out of the running for a BFP this month.

We didn't even make a single attempt, not even one, during ovulation. We were both exhausted. We've been exhausted in the past, but I've made the effort and made it happen. But I just didn't want to this time.

There is ZERO chance that I could be pregnant this month and I'm fine with that.

At first I was upset, but honestly, I need a break. I don't want to go through the holidays obsessing over signs of a BFP or the disappointment of AF.

What makes me laugh (in that bitter way) is that all the 'BFP symtoms' I've had in other 2WW, I have right now. If I already didn't know that those symptoms were in my head, I now have confirmation. The increased CM, sore boobs, fatigue and metallic taste makes me laugh and shake my head at all the months these things made me hopeful.

I'm not even allowing myself to think about TTC or anything TTC-related. I've been stressed out and been disappointed every single month this year when AF shows up and want to start the New Year with a bit of sanity.

I never knew how relieved I would be to have missed ovulation.

I'm now THAT freak

I've never liked shopping.

I like it even less when it's holiday shopping. The mall is swarming with people who make it impossible to take more than 1 step a minute and for an impatient person like me, this is unbelievably frustrating.

Now that I'm going TTC crazy, pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  I know they've always been there and I'm just noticing them now that I'm monitoring every damn thing about my body in the hopes that I'll be sporting a pregnant belly of my own. Yesterday I found myself doing the one thing I hate.

I was staring.

I honestly didn't notice I was staring at this poor pregnant woman. She was probably about my age and was waiting in the checkout line beside mine looking exhausted. I remember thinking how much I hope I look like that one day.

I wasn't looking at her with hate in my eyes, just imagining how beautiful it would be to get where she is.  I know I freaked her out because she looked at me with a look of worry.

I'm now the freak who stares at pregnant women.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).

TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.