Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

Positve OPK, but feeling so sad

After I caved and got my BFN last cycle, AF made her appearance the very next day.

I should have used OPKs for my own sanity last cycle. I would have known that I had simply ovulated a bit later than normal, which would have helped me not get my hopes up. Instead, I really thought that there was a chance I was pregnant and was crushed to find out I wasn't.

That made month #14 of TTC and not getting pregnant.

I bought OPKs this cycle. I really want to know when I'm ovulating so that I can avoid getting my hopes up again if AF comes a bit later than I anticipate. I got a negative yesterday at cycle day 11 and a positive today at cycle day 12.

We've been pretty good with out 'trying' schedule and have been trying every other day since cycle day 8. I hope we can keep it up for another few days. I think I'll either ovulate tomorrow or the day after.

I'm bummed though. I know I should be excited that I got a positive OPK and we've scheduled out attempts so well, but a part of me is so incredibly sad because we've done that in the past and the cycle always ends with AF.

My BF and I have decided that if this cycle ends with a BFN, he will get a semen analysis. I'm scared of the results.

I know I should be more positive but I feel in my heart that this will be month #15 of AF making an appearance and just can't bear to get my hopes up again.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes crushed month after month and even more terrified  when I think about what the semen analysis results could bring into our struggle to have a baby.

I caved and bought a HPT

HAPPY 2012!!!!

I haven't posted in a while. We took a break last month. I just couldn't go through another 2WW during the holidays. I needed a break from the anxiety and disappointment. I just wanted to relax and take it easy.

As luck would have it, I had all ovulation symptoms - ewcm (which I very rarely have) and ovulation cramps on my left side exactly on cycle day 14. AF showed up on cycle day 28.

Textbook.

So 2012 is here and I'm excited about taking a 'relaxed' approach to TTC. I used to ovulate on CD 14 almost every month with the exception of 2 or 3 months where I ovulated as late as CD 18. The last few months, I went back to my usual CD 13 or 14 so I decided not to bother with OPKs.

This month, I waited for those days and nothing -  no ewcm and no cramps.

We gave it a shot anyway.

I didn't sweat the 2WW, since I'm not allowing myself to do that anymore. In all the years that AF has been a part of my life, I've NEVER missed a period  nor have I been late. My cycles are 28 - 29 days.

This month, I'm 3 days late. I'm at cycle day 32 and still no AF.

I swore I'd never take a HPT unless I was late. I probably should have waited a week just in case, but I dragged my butt to the drugstore and bought a FRER in the hopes that I'd see two lines this time. After all, I'm never late.

This is what I saw:

Can the lack of a second line be any more obvious?

The picture is a bit fuzzy, but there isn't even a hint of a line. Not even an evaporated line. Just a clear BFN. I waited 15 minutes just in case... NO CHANGE. Stark white.

I guess I ovulated a bit later than usual.

AF continues to mock me.

Chance of a BFP this month = Big fat ZERO

We're completely out of the running for a BFP this month.

We didn't even make a single attempt, not even one, during ovulation. We were both exhausted. We've been exhausted in the past, but I've made the effort and made it happen. But I just didn't want to this time.

There is ZERO chance that I could be pregnant this month and I'm fine with that.

At first I was upset, but honestly, I need a break. I don't want to go through the holidays obsessing over signs of a BFP or the disappointment of AF.

What makes me laugh (in that bitter way) is that all the 'BFP symtoms' I've had in other 2WW, I have right now. If I already didn't know that those symptoms were in my head, I now have confirmation. The increased CM, sore boobs, fatigue and metallic taste makes me laugh and shake my head at all the months these things made me hopeful.

I'm not even allowing myself to think about TTC or anything TTC-related. I've been stressed out and been disappointed every single month this year when AF shows up and want to start the New Year with a bit of sanity.

I never knew how relieved I would be to have missed ovulation.

I'm now THAT freak

I've never liked shopping.

I like it even less when it's holiday shopping. The mall is swarming with people who make it impossible to take more than 1 step a minute and for an impatient person like me, this is unbelievably frustrating.

Now that I'm going TTC crazy, pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  I know they've always been there and I'm just noticing them now that I'm monitoring every damn thing about my body in the hopes that I'll be sporting a pregnant belly of my own. Yesterday I found myself doing the one thing I hate.

I was staring.

I honestly didn't notice I was staring at this poor pregnant woman. She was probably about my age and was waiting in the checkout line beside mine looking exhausted. I remember thinking how much I hope I look like that one day.

I wasn't looking at her with hate in my eyes, just imagining how beautiful it would be to get where she is.  I know I freaked her out because she looked at me with a look of worry.

I'm now the freak who stares at pregnant women.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).