Infertility ruins relationships ...well it's ruining mine

I've read quite a few blogs where couples have to deal with infertility and I'm always envious. I'm envious of their mood. Nobody really talks about how angry they are and  how much infertility causes issues in their relationships... at least not the ones I'm reading.

The last few weeks in our household have been one word - horrible.

Although my BF seemed to have handled it relatively well when we were given the news of male factor infertility, that was short lived. I understood and was fully supportive of what was to come. Call me naive, but I never anticipated what actually happened.

He got angry (expected) - at ME (not expected)!

My acceptance of our situation actually angered him. I never look at infertility as one person's issue, in a relationship, both people manage that. It is both of their issues. He doesn't look at it this way, he looks at it as only his problem. Despite the fact that I've been supportive and understanding, he only sees it as his issue.

He's suggested I go and find someone who'll be able to have children with me. I always respond with, "I have". I don't want him for a second to think that there are no other options. Although he seemed to be on the IVF option in the beginning, he doesn't seem to be interested these days.

I made an appointment with another RE thinking that perhaps if we start fresh with this one, he may will feel more of a connection with this doctor. I made the appointment and then he informed that I would be going alone. If I cancelled it, I would have to wait months and months to get a new appointment, so I had no choice but to go all by myself.

I felt like an idiot answering my BF health questions  when he was watching TV at home. I felt horrible going through the whole deal of getting wanded, a rushed pap smear that hurt like hell because the doctor was rushing and half of my blood drawn yet again and coming home not to be asked at all how it went.

After that day, I decided that I'd put the fertility treatments on hold until he's is ready. I don't want to push him. Sadly, he hasn't mentioned a single thing all these weeks. It's like we're not even going through this. I suggested taking vitamins, he shot be down angrily. The very fact that I even brought that up angered him.

So now I wait.

I feel guilty, as though I've done something wrong.

I remember a friend of mine who found out that she had infertility issues tell me that at first she was angry at her husband for being perfectly fertile. She said it passed. I don't know what we're going through exactly, but it's obvious that whatever it is, my BF is set on keeping me at arms length. The only thing I can do is push my feelings to the back burner and try to be as supportive as possible despite how hurtful he is.

To make matter worse, guess what AF did ?

For the first time ever, she is late. I'm not talking a day or two, she's 9 days late.

After getting my usual BFN at home at 5 days late, I got a blood test today at 9 days late and got an expected BFN with that as well. My doctor thinks I'm just stressed.

Thanks for making things extra fun AF! You always know how to kick my ass at the right time.

SCREW YOU INFERTILITY!

Guilt and Answers

Nothing much has happened since my last post. I think I've come to terms with our diagnosis, but it's taking my BF a bit longer.

It's not just the MFI that he's coming to terms with, he feels an incredible amount of guilt that we have to go through this. I don't see it like that. This is our challenge as a couple and something that we will both face together. It will take some time and a lot of reassurance, but I think we're on the right path.

I decided that I didn't want to bombard him with doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. He's the type of guy that needs time to process things like this and needs to do things when he's ready. I can wait... we've been waiting this long a few more weeks won't kill me.

In the meantime, I've been doing a tonne of research on IVF with ICSI. The thought of IVF used to scare me in the past and I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get started.

It's a very strange feeling but I actually feel better now than I did the last few months. We now have a game plan, we now have options and a chance. I think I started to lose hope the last few months and I now have regained determination. I'm the type of person that needs to KNOW what's going on. Good news or bad news, I feel much better knowing what the situation is and that something can be done about it.

Answers are comforting to me.

My goal now is to comfort my BF and make sure he understands that we're in this together. I don't know if I can ever help him feel less guilty, but I will work my ass off trying.

It's official...

We're an infertile couple.

The SA results were bad. Like really bad. Every aspect of the results are low.

At first I was devastated and nervous about breaking the news to my BF since I got the news over the phone. Our RE has requested another sample, but honestly with numbers like that, I'd be shocked to see a major difference. If the numbers are still the same, our only chance of ever conceiving is through IVF and not even plain old IVF, we'll likely  need IVF with ICSI.

BF is devastated and I feel horrible seeing him feel like this. I felt bad that I encouraged us to go through this just to rock his world with this news. Neither one of us was expecting this, it was just something routine to rule him out before we get more invasive tests done on me.

It took me a few days, but I started seeing the positive side of things. Understandably, it's taking BF a bit longer to see things like I do. Things could have been worse. Instead of us finding out that his sperm count is low, we could have been told that he has no sperm at all.

I'm just so grateful that at least we still have a chance of conceiving.  It may not be the good old fashioned way, but really who cares at the end of the day? If we're blessed with a bundle of joy, I'm more than happy to go through the IVF process. I just want us to be able to have kids, I don't care how they get here.

What scares me about the IVF process is the fact that even with IVF, we can still walk away without a baby. I've read countless stories where couples go through several rounds and none are successful. This is now my biggest fear. Based on the little googling I've done, chances that we'll have a baby is about 30 - 50%, but at least it isn't 0%.

In any case, I'm putting my fear aside for now and I'm choosing to look at the bright side or I'll go crazy. I'm soooooo geared up to start IVF ASAP. I feel like we're a step closer and I'm excited about that.

I would however like to say - SCREW YOU INFERTILITY! YOU SUCK!