Chance of a BFP this month = Big fat ZERO

We're completely out of the running for a BFP this month.

We didn't even make a single attempt, not even one, during ovulation. We were both exhausted. We've been exhausted in the past, but I've made the effort and made it happen. But I just didn't want to this time.

There is ZERO chance that I could be pregnant this month and I'm fine with that.

At first I was upset, but honestly, I need a break. I don't want to go through the holidays obsessing over signs of a BFP or the disappointment of AF.

What makes me laugh (in that bitter way) is that all the 'BFP symtoms' I've had in other 2WW, I have right now. If I already didn't know that those symptoms were in my head, I now have confirmation. The increased CM, sore boobs, fatigue and metallic taste makes me laugh and shake my head at all the months these things made me hopeful.

I'm not even allowing myself to think about TTC or anything TTC-related. I've been stressed out and been disappointed every single month this year when AF shows up and want to start the New Year with a bit of sanity.

I never knew how relieved I would be to have missed ovulation.

I'm now THAT freak

I've never liked shopping.

I like it even less when it's holiday shopping. The mall is swarming with people who make it impossible to take more than 1 step a minute and for an impatient person like me, this is unbelievably frustrating.

Now that I'm going TTC crazy, pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  I know they've always been there and I'm just noticing them now that I'm monitoring every damn thing about my body in the hopes that I'll be sporting a pregnant belly of my own. Yesterday I found myself doing the one thing I hate.

I was staring.

I honestly didn't notice I was staring at this poor pregnant woman. She was probably about my age and was waiting in the checkout line beside mine looking exhausted. I remember thinking how much I hope I look like that one day.

I wasn't looking at her with hate in my eyes, just imagining how beautiful it would be to get where she is.  I know I freaked her out because she looked at me with a look of worry.

I'm now the freak who stares at pregnant women.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).