Chance of a BFP this month = Big fat ZERO

We're completely out of the running for a BFP this month.

We didn't even make a single attempt, not even one, during ovulation. We were both exhausted. We've been exhausted in the past, but I've made the effort and made it happen. But I just didn't want to this time.

There is ZERO chance that I could be pregnant this month and I'm fine with that.

At first I was upset, but honestly, I need a break. I don't want to go through the holidays obsessing over signs of a BFP or the disappointment of AF.

What makes me laugh (in that bitter way) is that all the 'BFP symtoms' I've had in other 2WW, I have right now. If I already didn't know that those symptoms were in my head, I now have confirmation. The increased CM, sore boobs, fatigue and metallic taste makes me laugh and shake my head at all the months these things made me hopeful.

I'm not even allowing myself to think about TTC or anything TTC-related. I've been stressed out and been disappointed every single month this year when AF shows up and want to start the New Year with a bit of sanity.

I never knew how relieved I would be to have missed ovulation.

I'm now THAT freak

I've never liked shopping.

I like it even less when it's holiday shopping. The mall is swarming with people who make it impossible to take more than 1 step a minute and for an impatient person like me, this is unbelievably frustrating.

Now that I'm going TTC crazy, pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  I know they've always been there and I'm just noticing them now that I'm monitoring every damn thing about my body in the hopes that I'll be sporting a pregnant belly of my own. Yesterday I found myself doing the one thing I hate.

I was staring.

I honestly didn't notice I was staring at this poor pregnant woman. She was probably about my age and was waiting in the checkout line beside mine looking exhausted. I remember thinking how much I hope I look like that one day.

I wasn't looking at her with hate in my eyes, just imagining how beautiful it would be to get where she is.  I know I freaked her out because she looked at me with a look of worry.

I'm now the freak who stares at pregnant women.

The game plan

I've had to deal with AF raining on my parade for months and months. The first few months of TTC, I just felt like I'd have better luck in the coming month. After every ruined cycle though, I felt more and more discouraged.

This cycle was by far the worst.

Because I'm such a drama queen, I spent all weekend attempting to accept a life without kids. By Sunday, BF got tired of watching me mope around the house. He sat me down and gave me a pep talk, which is a change because he hasn't been as hands-on with this TTC process as I have.

I was so depressed that I had decided to sit this cycle out. The last thing I wanted was to be depressed around Christmas and New Years when AF was likely to come. I really didn't want to go through another 2WW. They suck!

He agreed that I should stop using OPKs this month and just focus on the holidays, but we should soldier on. We'll 'fool' ourselves into believing we're not really trying and just attempt to have fun (a little more often).  He's finally agreed that maybe we're not trying often enough.

In terms of the semen analysis, he'd like to try two more cycles and then move on to an SA. He feels like we can be trying harder. I honestly think we've been trying hard enough and would be very pleasantly surprised if we were able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way. But I want him to feel like he's really done everything he can without being rushed to a SA, we'll give it the time he wants to give it.

We've been trying for over a year, another two months isn't going to kill me.

So that's the game plan. We'll see what happens...

Apparently she reads my blog

AF must have read my last post because the biatch is changing it up this month. Instead of waiting until 11:59:59 pm to show, she's just made her grand entrance.

I totally failed the clean wipe test. My clever little plan not to bring tampons to work wasn't so clever after all.

There's a bright side to this.

What is it you ask? At least I know exactly what I'm having for dinner... maybe two of these (bottles I mean).

TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

We're surgin' baby!

Yesterday was cycle day 14 for me and I got a call from my wonderful RE nurse. She's honestly one of the sweetest people I've spoken to at my RE's office, I almost feel guilty for wanting to prove her wrong last month.

She called to tell me that my blood and ultrasounds results show that I'm a 'walking sign of fertility'... wish I had a baby in my womb to prove that.

In any case, I clearly had an LH surge and she expects me to ovulate either yesterday or today and so I should 'get busy'. By yesterday evening, I had ovulation pains that I get every month and just like the nurse said, the pain was on my left side.

I know I said that TTC is stressing me out and that I would take this month off, but after my nurses' call, how could I? I got so tempted just to try this month especially since it's the first month of cycle monitoring and all my test results sound so encouraging.

For the first time in a very long time since we started TTC, BF and I had an 'awesome time' ;) It was like our pre-TTC days.

To be honest, we weren't able to BD much during the fertile window, so ovulation day is really all we were able to get in this week. I've heard most say that it's best to BD the days leading up to ovulation day, so I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month. I'm just glad we made an attempt.

My RE doesn't seem to be concerned, but I find it odd that for the last few months, I'm ovulating all over the place. This month, I'm ovulating on CD14, last month it was CD18, the month before CD12. As a result, I'm having anywhere from 27 - 34 day cycles.

My RE says I'm still within the normal range, but I'm only concerned because until about the last 4 months, I had a regular 29 day cycle and all of a sudden, my cycles went all over the place (for me).

In any case, I'm now starting my 2WW. Since I've never been a patient person, this is the most stressful part for me because I'm listening to my body the whole time waiting to see if I feel anything. Of course by 13 DPO, I've convinced myself that I have all the early pregnancy symptoms and the red tide of disappointment comes the very next day to prove otherwise.

I'm going to try not to obsess this month and focus on other things... we'll see if I make it

When babies just appear in your womb

I found myself standing behind a pregnant woman while grabbing a cup of coffee before work this morning. She looked she was almost due and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her.

I never understood why people would refer to a pregnant woman's glow until I started TTC and started to pay attention to pregnant woman.

She was having a conversation on her phone and being so close, I had to listen... not because I was nosey or anything :)

"I feel like this baby is invading my body and I can't wait for it to come out, I feel like a damn baby machine", she said as she sighed.

Since slapping a pregnant woman isn't the best thing to do, I wanted to yell at her.

This is the kind of shit women say when they can easily get pregnant. Babies just appear in their wombs without trying. I pray for the day that I can feel that a baby is invading my body.

How I'd love to be a baby machine.

At the beginning of my TTC journey, I was excited. These days, I'm finding that TTC makes me resentful of anyone who has ever become pregnant without trying and then bitches about it.

Tasteful Facebook announcements

A few years ago, an ex-co-worker turned friend announced her pregnancy on facebook.

She didn't announce it like this one did, her's was very tasteful. In fact, she didn't quite announce it, she just posted a picture of her 9-month-pregnant self on vacation with her husband.

Her Facebook buddies, including myself, had no clue she was pregnant and she got more comments on her huge baby bump rather than the scenic vacation picture.

I sent her a message telling her how happy I was for them. Since I was completely ignorant to the TTC world and the insensitive Facebook announcements at that time, I asked her why she didn't announce her pregnancy sooner.

She replied by telling me that although she doesn't know anybody struggling with infertility, she assumed that some people simply don't share their struggles and she didn't want to hurt anyone with her pregnancy announcement. She waited until the last minute to simply post a picture with no comment about her pregnancy.

At the time, I didn't understand the depth of her thoughtfulness especially since she did it without even knowing anyone's IF struggle.

Today she posted a picture of herself , 9 months pregnant with her second baby. She didn't mention anything about her pregnancy, she simply mentioned how much she loved her husband and daughter (who were in the picture with her).

I loved it.

For the first time since I started TTC, I was happy to see that kind of Facebook announcement and understood the thoughtfulness behind it.

TTC is totally killing sexy time

TTC has put a strain on our relationship.

Although BF and I have been trying for a year, he's not concerned. At least, he doesn't seem to be concerned. I had originally decided to keep my RE rendez-vous a secret, but decided to tell him about them last week. He was fine with it and didn't say much... he's a quiet man.

I read a lot of TTC or IF blogs, but rarely do they talk about the strain in puts on their relationship... at least I haven't read them.

TTC has totally affected our relationships. The days of rabbit sex are a very distant, distant memory. In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to TTC. I try not to share too much with him in terms of when I'm ovulating, but he's not stupid. He knows that I act like an animal in heat when I'm ovulating and he insists on letting it 'happen naturally'.

I want to yell, "dude, we have to do it now or wait another 4 weeks!!". But you can't say that kind of thing without pressure the hell out of a guy... to the point of 'performance anxiety'.

We're at a point where our sex life is stressful.

We don't find it exciting or fun. It's become a job. The connection we once had seems to be diminishing. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm doing all the work and we're arguing about it. The last thing you want to do is have sex when you're arguing -  it's a cycle.

This is really a shitty situation.

As much as I want to TTC, I'm wondering if we should take a break. I know it's counter productive considering that it's my first cycle monitoring with an RE and this would be the optimal time to month. But honestly, the last few months, I know when I was ovulating and we timed sexy time perfectly and I still ended up 'enjoying' AF's visit.

So maybe we just need to take a break.

Honestly, it's becoming a real strain. My great initiative and enthusiasm is fine and well in the workplace, but it doesn't quite translate in the bedroom when all your partner wants to do is take a nap.

I'm thinking maybe if I initiate less, he'll initiate more and if a lose a month in this TTC saga, maybe it's worth it.

After all these months of failed cycles, maybe one more isn't a big deal if it will get our relationship back on track.

OMG, I gagged!

I bought a chicken parmesan sandwich yesterday on my way home. As I sat in front of the TV and was about to bite into it, I saw a hair. Ewwwww!!

I gagged.

I was seriously scared I was going to throw up right on my coffee table and couldn't get rid of the sandwich fast enough.

All I could do was think "Omg, omg, omg, I gagged!"

Despite the fact that I had a voluminous AF just a few days ago (cramps and all), my irrational TTC brain couldn't help but think "could I be pregnant?"

I gagged and clearly I chose to ignore that it could have been because of the long black hair residing in my sandwich.

Maybe I'm one of those women who gets a period throughout their pregnancy. After all, I do watch TLC's I didn't know I was pregnant where women don't realize they're pregnant until they're half way through their labor.

I was just about to use a HPT, despite the fact that I vowed never to use one before a missed AF.

After I got a hold of myself, I realized that TTC has made me more irrational than I normally am. I mean, what are the chances that I could be pregnant despite a heavy AF visit complete with cramps?

ZERO.

Way to go uterus!

I had my Sonohysterogram  today. I'd already done quite a bit of reading before I went in, and from everything I've read, most just feel slight cramping.

I took 2 tylenols before going. It was quick, I was in an out within 15 minutes!

The procedure itself wasn't painful. In fact, I've had papsmears more painful than the sono. Even now, about 5 hours later, I have really minor cramps that are easily taken care of with tylenol. My AF cramps are 100 time worse than this.

As soon as my RE got a look, she said "you have a gorgeous uterus!"

There's clearly no such think as an awkward moment when TTC, so I thanked her. I asked her if she saw any fibroids or anything else and she said no.

She said that she can see both tubes are open.

I'm a bit confused here because I thought that only an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) could determine blocked or open tubes.

They have you in and out of there within 5 - 10 minutes, so there really isn't much time to ask questions. I have an appointment with my RE to discuss my sono and first month of cycle monitoring in a month, so I'll ask her those questions then.

I want to request that she do a HSG to make sure I have no blockage, but I don't know if this is overkill. I just want to make sure that we leave no stone unturned.

I've heard people say the HSG is a lot more painful, but honestly, I'll take the pain to discover why my gorgeous uterus has no baby in it.

If anyone is reading and knows the answer to this, can you determine if tubes are blocked through a sono?

"I don't know how that happened"

I was in the kitchen grabbing a quick glass of water at work while another girl happened to be looking at the TV of streaming news while waiting for her lunch in the microwave.

Suddenly I heard her squeal, "Oh my God!!"

I looked up at the TV thinking it has to be a horrific accident, the market has crashed even more than it already has, Michael Jackson is really alive ...

Nope.

The TLC realty show, the Duggars, are having their 20th child. Michelle Duggar is 45! She got pregnant au naturel at 45!

Before leaving the kitchen, the girl ended with, "can you imagine what that woman's vaginal looks like, I'm surprised she's not peeing everywhere."

 
“We are so excited,” Michelle Duggar says  “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.”

“I don’t know how that happened,” Jim Bob, her husband, joked.

Some of us monitor bodily fluids that we never thought we'd be monitoring, pee on sticks so that we can have sex at the right time and then pretty much stand on our heads afterwards just to get pregnant...

All while others are lucky enough not to know know how it happened.

Infertile birthdays

I've never been one of those people who gets depressed about their birthdays. Becoming one year older has been exciting for me since I was a kid.

When all my friends were falling into depression about turning 30, I was happy to be starting a new decade of my life.

This time it's different.

I'm staring 34 in the eye just a few days away and the last thing I am is excited. I usually start a new year of my life looking back and being happy about whatever I've accomplished the year before.

The last year has mostly been about TTC... and nothing has come of it.

At the start of this journey, I completely took for granted that I'd have a 2011 baby. In fact, I was more concerned about when in 2011 would be an ideal month. I remember thinking that I liked the idea of a December baby...I was such a fool!

For the first time in my life, I'm disappointed about getting a year older because that means my eggs are getting a year older too. I'm just one year away from that magical age of 35 when, according to everyone and their grandma, there will be a sharp and ugly decline in my 'fertility'. I really feel like I'm fighting the clock now.

Almost everything I did in my adult life was in preparation to start a family. I worked my ass off to set up my career in such a way that I would be able to work and raise a family. I kept my body as healthy as possible to prepare myself for pregnancy. I only dated guys who, I believed, would make great fathers.

And here I am exactly where I was last year.

Only difference is that this year, I know all about OPKs, fertile CM, DPO symptoms, BBTs, Mittelschmerz and cycle monitoring.


But I still don't have a baby.

Why I won't pee on a stick

Okay, the title isn't exactly accurate. I pee on a stick (POAS) all the time - OPKs.

But for the last several months, I have resisted the urge to pee on a home pregnancy test. I just won't do it.

At the beginning of this TTC journey, I was all about peeing on a stick. I did it at 8 dpo (no idea why) all the way till AF reared her ugly head.

All I did was waste my money because I never believed the results.

The whole point of a HPT is to tell you whether or not you're pregnant. Despite the fact that they were all STARK WHITE, I found a way to justify why they were negative:

• I implanted late
• I'm one of those people who never get a positive result
• My test is defective
• I just need to wait a few more days

Never did I accept that I simply wasn't pregnant... not until AF showed up.

So the last few months, I've saved myself the drama and saved some money by resisting the urge. Since the only thing that would convince me that I wasn't pregnant was AF, I'd just wait until I saw her.

Only if I was one full day late was I going to allow myself to test.

So far this plan has worked. I don't think I've taken a test in about 3 or 4 months.

Thanks Facebook!

A Facebook friend of mine (because it's important to indicate that this is not a real life friend, just a Facebook friend), just got married.

She changed her relationship status to 'married' and within minutes stated that :


"My awesome husband (love calling him that) and I are proud to announce that we're expecting a beautiful little baby. We're 2 months pregnant!!!!"

My first bitter thought - 'think you have enough exclamation marks?'

In all honesty, I'm happy for the couple. I'm not at the point where seeing pregnant women makes me feel sad or hearing a couple's good news makes me feel envious.

However, this Facebook announcement irked me. The fact that it didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside could be because of the following:

1. I really don't care much for this girl. I connected with her because I felt bad declining her friend request.
2. How blissfully ignorant to the risks are you to announce to all 506 friends that you're pregnant at only 8 weeks?
3. I remember her saying time and time again that she never wanted to have kids.

I have a Facebook account, but I'm not one of those people who're posting every single picture taken or every single morsel of food I ate that day. I just don't think people need to know everything and truthfully, I don't think they care.

Maybe because I'm going through this TTC process, I'm starting to notice how often my 'friends' post their pregnancy announcements.

The irony is not lost on me - she never wanted kids and she's lucky enough to fearlessly announce her pregnancy before her second trimester.

Looks like I have a first class ticket on the plane to bitter-land.

The Numbers Are In!

So I got the call that I'd been eagerly waiting for from the nurse to give me the results of this morning's cycle monitoring.

Despite the fact that I had been clutching my cell phone everywhere I went to ensure I didn't miss her call, I still missed it. She called while I was in the elevator (those 10 seconds made a difference).

Nevertheless, the results seem to be good based on what she said. For those of you who can decipher these things:

Ovarian function (blood and ultrasound) - Normal
Estrogen - 121 (they like to see less than 200)
FSH - 6.6 (they like to see less than 10)
Follicle Count - 11 (they like to see 6 or more)

She ended the voicemail by says that everything looks very good.

I hope everything keeps going as well as it has so far.

Cycle Monitoring #1

Today is cycle day 3 for me.

I went in to my fertility clinic to get my blood test and ultrasound done. I expected the serene waiting area I saw the first time I got half of my blood taken. Not so.

Since cycle monitoring is from 7:00 to 9:00 am, the large waiting room was filled with women of all ages waiting to either get their blood drawn or have their ultrasound while the cooking channel was on the huge 60" inch screen in the waiting area. Some had kids with them already, some were there starting at their blackberrys. Some looked like high powered business women in a rush, others looked like artists, accountants, students.

I've always been obsessed with looking at engagement rings - some had huge rings, some had simple but beautiful bands and others had nothing.

I felt instantly conscious. Would I look like an irresponsible woman attempting to bring a child into this world out of wedlock?

It took me a few minutes to realize that nobody really cared whether I had a ring on my finger or not. They almost seemed eager to get these tests done so that they could move on with their day.

The joy of being a novice is that you notice everything.

My blood was drawn by a lady who didn't say a single word. Not even a hello or a smile.

After having one vial of blood taken this time (yay!!), I waited for my trans-vaginal ultrasound. Luckily, day 3 didn't seem like a messy day for me. "Is this normal?" I wondered as I waited.

I hate to be graphic, but I was wondering if maybe other women have a bit more 'AF mess' at this point. When you're TTC, you wonder if anything your body does is normal. Maybe those cramps were a bad thing. What if the lack of cramps are even worse. My boobs don't hurt, maybe they should by now, etc. etc. etc.

In any case, my name was called and the Tech was a lovely woman who greeted me with a smile and called me honey. I've had ultrasounds like these in the past and the Tech usually leaves the room while you undress (bottom half). This one didn't. I figure she does countless ultrasounds a day and can't run in and out.

I did what she requested and hopped on the table.

Since the screen wasn't pointed towards me, I thought I could read something in her face as to whether or not she saw something abnormal in or around my reproductive system.

I understand that one of the goals is to see how many and the size of follicles I have in each ovary. Although I couldn't really read her face, I did see her counting. I think I read her lips up to 8 on one ovary. Not sure what this means. I've heard that having too many is not a good thing and having too few isn't not a good thing either.

I was in and out of the clinic in 25 minutes. For someone as impatient as me, that was great!

Now I'm waiting for the nurse to call and give me the results of my blood and ultrasounds... hope I'll be able to jump this hurdle.

Hoping, hoping, hoping...

The nurse called me from my RE's office to tell me about the results of my blood test. My hormones are normal (one hurdle jumped!).  My progesterone levels indicate that I have in fact ovulated. My OPK confirmed ovulation at cycle day 18 this month, so it was good to hear that my hormones show that I did ovulate.

She ended by telling me that the pregnancy blood test came back negative, "so you will be getting your period in the next few days". Of course she didn't emphasize 'will', but it felt that way to my paranoid TTC self.

DAMN!

What was it about those words that made me want to prove the lovely nurse wrong? Why did it feel like a challenge?

My RE was very adamant in telling me that although she was going to get a pregnancy blood test done, since it was 10 dpo (days past ovulation), it could still be a false negative since some women don't implant until after 10 dpo.

So what do I do?

I convince myself hope that I could be pregnant this time around. How many times have we heard stories of women going to an RE just to find out they were pregnant. Or about to start an IVF cycle just to find out that they were pregnant naturally.

Against my better judgement, I spent the next few days trying to determine if I had any pregnancy symptoms. Naturally, I had them.

• "Is it me or is it hot in here" - Could this be an early pregnancy symptom?
• "I had to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day, maybe I'm pregnant" - I seemed to have forgotten that I drank 100 glasses of water that day
• "Was that a cramp I felt at 11 dpo? Maybe that was implantation"
• "I'm exhausted today and am going to sleep early - maybe I'm pregnant" -  Seems that I forgot I woke up at 6:00 and worked a 12 hour day.

You get the point.

By the time I was 14 dpo (I always get my period on 14 dpo), I was crazy.

I couldn't work because I spent my entire day searching for pregnancy symptoms online convinced that I had those symptoms. I must have gone to the bathroom 5 times an hour, no joke, to see if AF (Aunt Flo) had come along.

No AF. So far, so good.

Every time I went to the bathroom and saw that AF hadn't shown her face, I was beyond excited. I wanted to skip back to my office.

Just as I made it to the evening AF-free, I started spotting!

That's okay... I'm not out yet, I told myself. Don't women get spotting in early pregnancy? It could also be implantation bleeding right?

I never spot, I just get right into AF, so I still had hope. Clearly I'm not a quitter. I still had 1% of hope and I was hanging on for dear life.

Seven hours later,  after obsessively checking toilet paper, it was a full-blown period.

AF, you evil cow! How I hate you!!!

I was instructed to call the nurse and leave her a message letting her know that I'd gotten my period.

So with a very full wine glass in one hand and my phone in the other, I did as instructed.

First RE appointment

I have a confession to make...

My BF doesn't know that I'm seeing an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or a fertility doctor, as many call it. Like many men, he gets instantly uncomfortable at the drop of the word 'doctor'. I don't want our TTC journey to be about pressure for him, because he needs to perform :) So I've decided that I would meet with a doctor to figure out if my body is perhaps not responding the way it should. Maybe it's something I can figure out.

I know BF and feel that if I share this with him at this point, it will put so much pressure on him, that he won't be able to perform, nor will he be able to relax.

Ignorance is bliss and I'd like to keep it that way for him for now.

I met my RE this morning. Although a bit mechanical, she seems alright. I'm not expecting to make a major emotional connection with my doctor, so I'm okay with that fact that she seems a bit distant. I have friends for hugs.

I just want her to figure our what is going on and see if there is anything that she can do to help.

We met for about 15 minutes. She asked me about my history and told me the next step would be having me give blood so that they can test various hormone levels as well as to give me a pregnancy test.

I almost laughed.

Although I used OPKs this month, I've been feeling very much as though this is yet another unsuccessful month. In fact, I stopped even considering that this may be the month that we conceived like I normally do.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. I know there are couples out there TTC for years (not just months like me). For the first time however, I felt pessimistic about this cycle.

I didn't even consider the possibility of a pregnancy until she mentioned a blood pregnancy test.

Off I went to give roughly 11 vials of blood. Thank God giving blood doesn't freak me out!

How it all began...

First of all, I'll apologize for not having a more exciting title, but at least it's descriptive :)

In short - I'm an almost 34-year-old eagerly on the TTC (Trying to conceive) journey.

Like countless other women, I've known I wanted to be a mother since the age of 5. That was the age someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I told them "I'm gonna be a mommy".

Fast forward 29 years... I've checked off all my other 'must haves' to get closer to being a mommy. Everything I did was to get closer to motherhood. I rushed through college, developed a great career, started a business and finally met a fantastic partner. Now it's baby time!

I say 'partner', because 'boyfriend' seems so trivial, especially at age 34. But essentially, that's what he is at this point, so I'll refer to him as BF from here on. BF and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half, great friends for two. At 46, he's obviously much, much older than me. After much hesitation, I decided that the age difference is not something I wanted to keep me away from getting to know him better, so I continued this relationship and boy am I glad I did!

Planning a life together and working tirelessly towards that goal, we've decided to start the journey to start a family. After years of being careful not to get pregnant, I assumed that it was something that would happen almost instantly.

After 11 months of trying, we're without a BFP.

One of my biggest fears has always been that I may not be able to have a baby. I'm a big time worrier  - I worry about everything little thing that could happen in life. I'm even more worried now that there could be something seriously wrong.

After months of counting cycle days, monitoring CM (so not what I ever thought I'd do) and for the last 3 months, using OPKs, I've decided to get a referral to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).

My appointment is in a few days...