TTC and the Kardashians

It's 13 dpo for me today. AF is due tomorrow. To be honest, I'm so over the 2WW. So over it!

I don't know what a BFP cycle feels like, but I do know what a BFN cycle feels like and this feels just like another one. I have the same symptoms or lack thereof, so I'm assuming it will end the same way it always does, with AF coming full force.

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and we'll discuss what to do next.

My BF and I have discussed a semen analysis and surprisingly, he's fine with it. I clearly underestimated his willingness to do this along with me. Since he'll be travelling for most of December, we'll likely move on to a SA in January.

I'm happy to start the new year with a new approach.

In other news, Kourtney Kardashian has just announced her second pregnancy at 9 weeks!

She's not only telling her family and friends at 9 weeks, she's telling the WORLD! "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

So what does that mean exactly? That it isn't meant to be for the rest of us? I hate when people say shit like that. People only say that when it ends up working out.

What's sad about this is that her sister Khloe has been open about her frustrations with her TTC struggle and this idiot says things like that.

Douche!!

Is insanity a symptom?

I'm 11 dpo today and the only real symptom I have is insanity.

I've pretty much wasted my work days googling the hell out of whatever dpo I'm at. I'm embarrassed to say that I started at 2 dpo knowing full well that you can't feel a damn thing at that point.

Honestly, I should know better at this point.

In my heart, I know that this is pointless and if/when AF shows up, I'll be pissed that I wasted 2 weeks keeping an eye out obsessing over symptoms that never materialised. A part of me is looking forward to this 2WW being over so that I can finally stop thinking about it.

I think I have even less symptoms than I have any other month.

NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH

Although I said I will never allow myself to test until I've missed AF, I'm dying to run out and buy a test. I only have 3 more days until AF so I'm trying seriously hard to just wait it out.

I did come across a Clearblue digital test way back in a drawer. I rushed to check out the expiry date. If it's about to expire, I'd have to do the right thing and just take it to make sure I don't waste it?  Just because it's the right thing to do ;)

I was disappointed to find out that it doesn't expire for another year.

This TWW has been particularly harder. After over a year of trying with not even a chemical pregnancy, it's becoming painfully obvious that something is wrong and I'm getting more and more anxious as each cycle goes by.

My next RE appointment is on the day AF is due (just a coincidence). I'd love to be like Elphaba and get a BFP before that appointment.

Hitting the pause button on life

I'm 4 dpo today.

As much as I'd love to end this cycle with a BFP, it may very well end with the red tide if disappointment like the last 12 cycles. I still have hope, but I'm trying really hard not to spot symptoms that are pretty much impossible before implantation.

While impatiently waiting for a BFP, our lives must carry on... or can they?

BF and I have been talking about buying a house and he'd like to start the process of looking fairly soon. When we discussed this a few months ago, I was ecstatic.

Although we currently live together, we're living in a home that I bought years ago. I want us to continue to develop our life together in a home that we both chose. That will truly be our home and I was excited to get the search started.

Lately however, I feel as though I'd rather wait a few more months to see what the TTC journey has in store for us. What I fear most is buying a home big enough for a family of more than just the two of us and then not being able to fill those extra bedrooms.

I don't want to walk by empty bedrooms everyday reminding me of our inability to fill them.

The question is  - how long do we keep waiting before we move forward with our decision on a home?

I think we should give it a few more cycles.

If those cycles aren't successful, than I'd rather buy a home according to our current lifestyle. If we're blessed enough to grow our family in the years to come, than we will find a way to make it work. It may mean having to sell and buy another home, but we'll figure it out when we get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUIs or IVF. I don't know what our journey will be in the next few months, but we'll see if we're even candidates for either. If so, we'll have to consider the costs associated with that.

If IVF is the way to go, I'd love to think that a first attempt at IVF would work, but I've read enough to know that this isn't always the case. Our once ample downpayment for a home will now have to double as our fertility fund, which means that we'll have to downsize the home we thought we would buy.

Talk about an unanticipated cost.


There is so much to think about as an IF couple. BF and I are at a crucial point in our lives and relationship where we're making decisions to grow. Unfortunately, we're in limbo for the next few months.

We're surgin' baby!

Yesterday was cycle day 14 for me and I got a call from my wonderful RE nurse. She's honestly one of the sweetest people I've spoken to at my RE's office, I almost feel guilty for wanting to prove her wrong last month.

She called to tell me that my blood and ultrasounds results show that I'm a 'walking sign of fertility'... wish I had a baby in my womb to prove that.

In any case, I clearly had an LH surge and she expects me to ovulate either yesterday or today and so I should 'get busy'. By yesterday evening, I had ovulation pains that I get every month and just like the nurse said, the pain was on my left side.

I know I said that TTC is stressing me out and that I would take this month off, but after my nurses' call, how could I? I got so tempted just to try this month especially since it's the first month of cycle monitoring and all my test results sound so encouraging.

For the first time in a very long time since we started TTC, BF and I had an 'awesome time' ;) It was like our pre-TTC days.

To be honest, we weren't able to BD much during the fertile window, so ovulation day is really all we were able to get in this week. I've heard most say that it's best to BD the days leading up to ovulation day, so I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month. I'm just glad we made an attempt.

My RE doesn't seem to be concerned, but I find it odd that for the last few months, I'm ovulating all over the place. This month, I'm ovulating on CD14, last month it was CD18, the month before CD12. As a result, I'm having anywhere from 27 - 34 day cycles.

My RE says I'm still within the normal range, but I'm only concerned because until about the last 4 months, I had a regular 29 day cycle and all of a sudden, my cycles went all over the place (for me).

In any case, I'm now starting my 2WW. Since I've never been a patient person, this is the most stressful part for me because I'm listening to my body the whole time waiting to see if I feel anything. Of course by 13 DPO, I've convinced myself that I have all the early pregnancy symptoms and the red tide of disappointment comes the very next day to prove otherwise.

I'm going to try not to obsess this month and focus on other things... we'll see if I make it

When babies just appear in your womb

I found myself standing behind a pregnant woman while grabbing a cup of coffee before work this morning. She looked she was almost due and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her.

I never understood why people would refer to a pregnant woman's glow until I started TTC and started to pay attention to pregnant woman.

She was having a conversation on her phone and being so close, I had to listen... not because I was nosey or anything :)

"I feel like this baby is invading my body and I can't wait for it to come out, I feel like a damn baby machine", she said as she sighed.

Since slapping a pregnant woman isn't the best thing to do, I wanted to yell at her.

This is the kind of shit women say when they can easily get pregnant. Babies just appear in their wombs without trying. I pray for the day that I can feel that a baby is invading my body.

How I'd love to be a baby machine.

At the beginning of my TTC journey, I was excited. These days, I'm finding that TTC makes me resentful of anyone who has ever become pregnant without trying and then bitches about it.

Tasteful Facebook announcements

A few years ago, an ex-co-worker turned friend announced her pregnancy on facebook.

She didn't announce it like this one did, her's was very tasteful. In fact, she didn't quite announce it, she just posted a picture of her 9-month-pregnant self on vacation with her husband.

Her Facebook buddies, including myself, had no clue she was pregnant and she got more comments on her huge baby bump rather than the scenic vacation picture.

I sent her a message telling her how happy I was for them. Since I was completely ignorant to the TTC world and the insensitive Facebook announcements at that time, I asked her why she didn't announce her pregnancy sooner.

She replied by telling me that although she doesn't know anybody struggling with infertility, she assumed that some people simply don't share their struggles and she didn't want to hurt anyone with her pregnancy announcement. She waited until the last minute to simply post a picture with no comment about her pregnancy.

At the time, I didn't understand the depth of her thoughtfulness especially since she did it without even knowing anyone's IF struggle.

Today she posted a picture of herself , 9 months pregnant with her second baby. She didn't mention anything about her pregnancy, she simply mentioned how much she loved her husband and daughter (who were in the picture with her).

I loved it.

For the first time since I started TTC, I was happy to see that kind of Facebook announcement and understood the thoughtfulness behind it.

TTC is totally killing sexy time

TTC has put a strain on our relationship.

Although BF and I have been trying for a year, he's not concerned. At least, he doesn't seem to be concerned. I had originally decided to keep my RE rendez-vous a secret, but decided to tell him about them last week. He was fine with it and didn't say much... he's a quiet man.

I read a lot of TTC or IF blogs, but rarely do they talk about the strain in puts on their relationship... at least I haven't read them.

TTC has totally affected our relationships. The days of rabbit sex are a very distant, distant memory. In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to TTC. I try not to share too much with him in terms of when I'm ovulating, but he's not stupid. He knows that I act like an animal in heat when I'm ovulating and he insists on letting it 'happen naturally'.

I want to yell, "dude, we have to do it now or wait another 4 weeks!!". But you can't say that kind of thing without pressure the hell out of a guy... to the point of 'performance anxiety'.

We're at a point where our sex life is stressful.

We don't find it exciting or fun. It's become a job. The connection we once had seems to be diminishing. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm doing all the work and we're arguing about it. The last thing you want to do is have sex when you're arguing -  it's a cycle.

This is really a shitty situation.

As much as I want to TTC, I'm wondering if we should take a break. I know it's counter productive considering that it's my first cycle monitoring with an RE and this would be the optimal time to month. But honestly, the last few months, I know when I was ovulating and we timed sexy time perfectly and I still ended up 'enjoying' AF's visit.

So maybe we just need to take a break.

Honestly, it's becoming a real strain. My great initiative and enthusiasm is fine and well in the workplace, but it doesn't quite translate in the bedroom when all your partner wants to do is take a nap.

I'm thinking maybe if I initiate less, he'll initiate more and if a lose a month in this TTC saga, maybe it's worth it.

After all these months of failed cycles, maybe one more isn't a big deal if it will get our relationship back on track.

OMG, I gagged!

I bought a chicken parmesan sandwich yesterday on my way home. As I sat in front of the TV and was about to bite into it, I saw a hair. Ewwwww!!

I gagged.

I was seriously scared I was going to throw up right on my coffee table and couldn't get rid of the sandwich fast enough.

All I could do was think "Omg, omg, omg, I gagged!"

Despite the fact that I had a voluminous AF just a few days ago (cramps and all), my irrational TTC brain couldn't help but think "could I be pregnant?"

I gagged and clearly I chose to ignore that it could have been because of the long black hair residing in my sandwich.

Maybe I'm one of those women who gets a period throughout their pregnancy. After all, I do watch TLC's I didn't know I was pregnant where women don't realize they're pregnant until they're half way through their labor.

I was just about to use a HPT, despite the fact that I vowed never to use one before a missed AF.

After I got a hold of myself, I realized that TTC has made me more irrational than I normally am. I mean, what are the chances that I could be pregnant despite a heavy AF visit complete with cramps?

ZERO.

Way to go uterus!

I had my Sonohysterogram  today. I'd already done quite a bit of reading before I went in, and from everything I've read, most just feel slight cramping.

I took 2 tylenols before going. It was quick, I was in an out within 15 minutes!

The procedure itself wasn't painful. In fact, I've had papsmears more painful than the sono. Even now, about 5 hours later, I have really minor cramps that are easily taken care of with tylenol. My AF cramps are 100 time worse than this.

As soon as my RE got a look, she said "you have a gorgeous uterus!"

There's clearly no such think as an awkward moment when TTC, so I thanked her. I asked her if she saw any fibroids or anything else and she said no.

She said that she can see both tubes are open.

I'm a bit confused here because I thought that only an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) could determine blocked or open tubes.

They have you in and out of there within 5 - 10 minutes, so there really isn't much time to ask questions. I have an appointment with my RE to discuss my sono and first month of cycle monitoring in a month, so I'll ask her those questions then.

I want to request that she do a HSG to make sure I have no blockage, but I don't know if this is overkill. I just want to make sure that we leave no stone unturned.

I've heard people say the HSG is a lot more painful, but honestly, I'll take the pain to discover why my gorgeous uterus has no baby in it.

If anyone is reading and knows the answer to this, can you determine if tubes are blocked through a sono?

"I don't know how that happened"

I was in the kitchen grabbing a quick glass of water at work while another girl happened to be looking at the TV of streaming news while waiting for her lunch in the microwave.

Suddenly I heard her squeal, "Oh my God!!"

I looked up at the TV thinking it has to be a horrific accident, the market has crashed even more than it already has, Michael Jackson is really alive ...

Nope.

The TLC realty show, the Duggars, are having their 20th child. Michelle Duggar is 45! She got pregnant au naturel at 45!

Before leaving the kitchen, the girl ended with, "can you imagine what that woman's vaginal looks like, I'm surprised she's not peeing everywhere."

 
“We are so excited,” Michelle Duggar says  “I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful.”

“I don’t know how that happened,” Jim Bob, her husband, joked.

Some of us monitor bodily fluids that we never thought we'd be monitoring, pee on sticks so that we can have sex at the right time and then pretty much stand on our heads afterwards just to get pregnant...

All while others are lucky enough not to know know how it happened.

Infertile birthdays

I've never been one of those people who gets depressed about their birthdays. Becoming one year older has been exciting for me since I was a kid.

When all my friends were falling into depression about turning 30, I was happy to be starting a new decade of my life.

This time it's different.

I'm staring 34 in the eye just a few days away and the last thing I am is excited. I usually start a new year of my life looking back and being happy about whatever I've accomplished the year before.

The last year has mostly been about TTC... and nothing has come of it.

At the start of this journey, I completely took for granted that I'd have a 2011 baby. In fact, I was more concerned about when in 2011 would be an ideal month. I remember thinking that I liked the idea of a December baby...I was such a fool!

For the first time in my life, I'm disappointed about getting a year older because that means my eggs are getting a year older too. I'm just one year away from that magical age of 35 when, according to everyone and their grandma, there will be a sharp and ugly decline in my 'fertility'. I really feel like I'm fighting the clock now.

Almost everything I did in my adult life was in preparation to start a family. I worked my ass off to set up my career in such a way that I would be able to work and raise a family. I kept my body as healthy as possible to prepare myself for pregnancy. I only dated guys who, I believed, would make great fathers.

And here I am exactly where I was last year.

Only difference is that this year, I know all about OPKs, fertile CM, DPO symptoms, BBTs, Mittelschmerz and cycle monitoring.


But I still don't have a baby.

Why I won't pee on a stick

Okay, the title isn't exactly accurate. I pee on a stick (POAS) all the time - OPKs.

But for the last several months, I have resisted the urge to pee on a home pregnancy test. I just won't do it.

At the beginning of this TTC journey, I was all about peeing on a stick. I did it at 8 dpo (no idea why) all the way till AF reared her ugly head.

All I did was waste my money because I never believed the results.

The whole point of a HPT is to tell you whether or not you're pregnant. Despite the fact that they were all STARK WHITE, I found a way to justify why they were negative:

• I implanted late
• I'm one of those people who never get a positive result
• My test is defective
• I just need to wait a few more days

Never did I accept that I simply wasn't pregnant... not until AF showed up.

So the last few months, I've saved myself the drama and saved some money by resisting the urge. Since the only thing that would convince me that I wasn't pregnant was AF, I'd just wait until I saw her.

Only if I was one full day late was I going to allow myself to test.

So far this plan has worked. I don't think I've taken a test in about 3 or 4 months.

Thanks Facebook!

A Facebook friend of mine (because it's important to indicate that this is not a real life friend, just a Facebook friend), just got married.

She changed her relationship status to 'married' and within minutes stated that :


"My awesome husband (love calling him that) and I are proud to announce that we're expecting a beautiful little baby. We're 2 months pregnant!!!!"

My first bitter thought - 'think you have enough exclamation marks?'

In all honesty, I'm happy for the couple. I'm not at the point where seeing pregnant women makes me feel sad or hearing a couple's good news makes me feel envious.

However, this Facebook announcement irked me. The fact that it didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside could be because of the following:

1. I really don't care much for this girl. I connected with her because I felt bad declining her friend request.
2. How blissfully ignorant to the risks are you to announce to all 506 friends that you're pregnant at only 8 weeks?
3. I remember her saying time and time again that she never wanted to have kids.

I have a Facebook account, but I'm not one of those people who're posting every single picture taken or every single morsel of food I ate that day. I just don't think people need to know everything and truthfully, I don't think they care.

Maybe because I'm going through this TTC process, I'm starting to notice how often my 'friends' post their pregnancy announcements.

The irony is not lost on me - she never wanted kids and she's lucky enough to fearlessly announce her pregnancy before her second trimester.

Looks like I have a first class ticket on the plane to bitter-land.