Infertility ruins relationships ...well it's ruining mine

I've read quite a few blogs where couples have to deal with infertility and I'm always envious. I'm envious of their mood. Nobody really talks about how angry they are and  how much infertility causes issues in their relationships... at least not the ones I'm reading.

The last few weeks in our household have been one word - horrible.

Although my BF seemed to have handled it relatively well when we were given the news of male factor infertility, that was short lived. I understood and was fully supportive of what was to come. Call me naive, but I never anticipated what actually happened.

He got angry (expected) - at ME (not expected)!

My acceptance of our situation actually angered him. I never look at infertility as one person's issue, in a relationship, both people manage that. It is both of their issues. He doesn't look at it this way, he looks at it as only his problem. Despite the fact that I've been supportive and understanding, he only sees it as his issue.

He's suggested I go and find someone who'll be able to have children with me. I always respond with, "I have". I don't want him for a second to think that there are no other options. Although he seemed to be on the IVF option in the beginning, he doesn't seem to be interested these days.

I made an appointment with another RE thinking that perhaps if we start fresh with this one, he may will feel more of a connection with this doctor. I made the appointment and then he informed that I would be going alone. If I cancelled it, I would have to wait months and months to get a new appointment, so I had no choice but to go all by myself.

I felt like an idiot answering my BF health questions  when he was watching TV at home. I felt horrible going through the whole deal of getting wanded, a rushed pap smear that hurt like hell because the doctor was rushing and half of my blood drawn yet again and coming home not to be asked at all how it went.

After that day, I decided that I'd put the fertility treatments on hold until he's is ready. I don't want to push him. Sadly, he hasn't mentioned a single thing all these weeks. It's like we're not even going through this. I suggested taking vitamins, he shot be down angrily. The very fact that I even brought that up angered him.

So now I wait.

I feel guilty, as though I've done something wrong.

I remember a friend of mine who found out that she had infertility issues tell me that at first she was angry at her husband for being perfectly fertile. She said it passed. I don't know what we're going through exactly, but it's obvious that whatever it is, my BF is set on keeping me at arms length. The only thing I can do is push my feelings to the back burner and try to be as supportive as possible despite how hurtful he is.

To make matter worse, guess what AF did ?

For the first time ever, she is late. I'm not talking a day or two, she's 9 days late.

After getting my usual BFN at home at 5 days late, I got a blood test today at 9 days late and got an expected BFN with that as well. My doctor thinks I'm just stressed.

Thanks for making things extra fun AF! You always know how to kick my ass at the right time.

SCREW YOU INFERTILITY!

Guilt and Answers

Nothing much has happened since my last post. I think I've come to terms with our diagnosis, but it's taking my BF a bit longer.

It's not just the MFI that he's coming to terms with, he feels an incredible amount of guilt that we have to go through this. I don't see it like that. This is our challenge as a couple and something that we will both face together. It will take some time and a lot of reassurance, but I think we're on the right path.

I decided that I didn't want to bombard him with doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. He's the type of guy that needs time to process things like this and needs to do things when he's ready. I can wait... we've been waiting this long a few more weeks won't kill me.

In the meantime, I've been doing a tonne of research on IVF with ICSI. The thought of IVF used to scare me in the past and I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get started.

It's a very strange feeling but I actually feel better now than I did the last few months. We now have a game plan, we now have options and a chance. I think I started to lose hope the last few months and I now have regained determination. I'm the type of person that needs to KNOW what's going on. Good news or bad news, I feel much better knowing what the situation is and that something can be done about it.

Answers are comforting to me.

My goal now is to comfort my BF and make sure he understands that we're in this together. I don't know if I can ever help him feel less guilty, but I will work my ass off trying.

It's official...

We're an infertile couple.

The SA results were bad. Like really bad. Every aspect of the results are low.

At first I was devastated and nervous about breaking the news to my BF since I got the news over the phone. Our RE has requested another sample, but honestly with numbers like that, I'd be shocked to see a major difference. If the numbers are still the same, our only chance of ever conceiving is through IVF and not even plain old IVF, we'll likely  need IVF with ICSI.

BF is devastated and I feel horrible seeing him feel like this. I felt bad that I encouraged us to go through this just to rock his world with this news. Neither one of us was expecting this, it was just something routine to rule him out before we get more invasive tests done on me.

It took me a few days, but I started seeing the positive side of things. Understandably, it's taking BF a bit longer to see things like I do. Things could have been worse. Instead of us finding out that his sperm count is low, we could have been told that he has no sperm at all.

I'm just so grateful that at least we still have a chance of conceiving.  It may not be the good old fashioned way, but really who cares at the end of the day? If we're blessed with a bundle of joy, I'm more than happy to go through the IVF process. I just want us to be able to have kids, I don't care how they get here.

What scares me about the IVF process is the fact that even with IVF, we can still walk away without a baby. I've read countless stories where couples go through several rounds and none are successful. This is now my biggest fear. Based on the little googling I've done, chances that we'll have a baby is about 30 - 50%, but at least it isn't 0%.

In any case, I'm putting my fear aside for now and I'm choosing to look at the bright side or I'll go crazy. I'm soooooo geared up to start IVF ASAP. I feel like we're a step closer and I'm excited about that.

I would however like to say - SCREW YOU INFERTILITY! YOU SUCK!

Devastated

We got the SA results and we're devastated... and that's all I can say for now.

Thanks for the advice!

I hate being given advice about how to get pregnant from someone who got pregnant on the first month of attempting.

Although I haven't shared the fact that we're TTC, I had a friend, who is currently 6 months pregnant, tell me that I'm getting older now and if I want to have kids, I should start trying.

Thanks for that bit of advice!

She went into expert advice about getting pregnant. The sad part is that although she may know so much more about actually being pregnant, I'm far more of an expert about attempting to 'get pregnant' than her. She had no idea when she was ovulating. She got off the pill and within a month, she was pregnant.

I felt like slapping her, but slapping a pregnant woman isn't acceptable so I just smiled and nodded.

We're awaiting my BF's SA results this week. To say that we're nervous doesn't even scratch the surface.

Testing, testing and more testing

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. It's been a few weeks.

The truth is that I really haven't had anything to blog about recently. Every month is pretty much the same and I hate sounding like Debbie Downer constantly.

This month I tried the 'low expectations' route to TTC. I went back to OPKs because I wanted to know exactly when I ovulated so that I know when to expect AF since it's always 14 days after ovulation for me. I wasn't excited the entire two week wait. I barely even noticed the dates, they just flew by since I wasn't allowing myself to even think about them.

I almost made it without getting excited at all. But when the day AF was due went by without any sighting of her, I got excited. Against my better judgement, I really thought that maybe this was the month (my positivity is cute).

AF made her appearance first thing the very next day.

I'm disappointed, but not anywhere as upset as I had been in the past. I've accepted that it seems unlikely that we'll be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way or at least until we discover what exactly is wrong. I know in my heart that something is wrong.

My BF has provided a semen sample for an analysis and we're waiting for the results. I know he's nervous about the results and honestly, I don't know any man who's happy to do it, but it handled it well and I'm really happy about that. We've been walking on eggshells since. We're both so very nervous about the results.

If the results are good, the next step is for me to have an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there are any other underlying issues like endometriosis that can't be diagnosed any other way.

I anticipate the next month to be a tough one for us and I'm attempting to gear up (if that's even possible) for whatever news we'll get from the SA or my surgery.

Positve OPK, but feeling so sad

After I caved and got my BFN last cycle, AF made her appearance the very next day.

I should have used OPKs for my own sanity last cycle. I would have known that I had simply ovulated a bit later than normal, which would have helped me not get my hopes up. Instead, I really thought that there was a chance I was pregnant and was crushed to find out I wasn't.

That made month #14 of TTC and not getting pregnant.

I bought OPKs this cycle. I really want to know when I'm ovulating so that I can avoid getting my hopes up again if AF comes a bit later than I anticipate. I got a negative yesterday at cycle day 11 and a positive today at cycle day 12.

We've been pretty good with out 'trying' schedule and have been trying every other day since cycle day 8. I hope we can keep it up for another few days. I think I'll either ovulate tomorrow or the day after.

I'm bummed though. I know I should be excited that I got a positive OPK and we've scheduled out attempts so well, but a part of me is so incredibly sad because we've done that in the past and the cycle always ends with AF.

My BF and I have decided that if this cycle ends with a BFN, he will get a semen analysis. I'm scared of the results.

I know I should be more positive but I feel in my heart that this will be month #15 of AF making an appearance and just can't bear to get my hopes up again.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes crushed month after month and even more terrified  when I think about what the semen analysis results could bring into our struggle to have a baby.